hello
my friends
in the carpool lane
yes
these are
my pajamas
i
left the house
in them
thank you
Monday, November 10, 2014
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Probably
The house is quiet and dark.
I carry the big boy up the stairs,
Into the bathroom,
To facilitate the brushing of teeth,
The putting on of pajamas.
He has stayed out late tonight-
Not late, late,
Just "for a school night" late-
Auditioning for a play and
Eating post-audition gelato,
Enjoying rare one-on-one time,
With his mother.
With his bathroom business done,
He carefully opens the door to his room and
Gingerly creeps up the ladder to the top bunk,
Silently settling into bed,
Careful not to wake his sleeping brother below.
I stand on tiptoe.
I ruffle his hair.
I tell him, "good night."
I tell him, "I love you."
I give him a hug and a kiss.
As I put my hand on the door knob,
To let myself out of the room,
He stops me.
"Hey, Dad?"
He often has one last question before bedtime.
A final stall.
Can I have drink of water?
Do we have school tomorrow?
What's for breakfast?
Not tonight.
"Are the Illuminati real?"
Goodnight, son.
I carry the big boy up the stairs,
Into the bathroom,
To facilitate the brushing of teeth,
The putting on of pajamas.
He has stayed out late tonight-
Not late, late,
Just "for a school night" late-
Auditioning for a play and
Eating post-audition gelato,
Enjoying rare one-on-one time,
With his mother.
With his bathroom business done,
He carefully opens the door to his room and
Gingerly creeps up the ladder to the top bunk,
Silently settling into bed,
Careful not to wake his sleeping brother below.
I stand on tiptoe.
I ruffle his hair.
I tell him, "good night."
I tell him, "I love you."
I give him a hug and a kiss.
As I put my hand on the door knob,
To let myself out of the room,
He stops me.
"Hey, Dad?"
He often has one last question before bedtime.
A final stall.
Can I have drink of water?
Do we have school tomorrow?
What's for breakfast?
Not tonight.
"Are the Illuminati real?"
Goodnight, son.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Foreshadowing
It sits there on the shelf,
An ominous talisman.
It's sudden appearance
A dire portent.
Warning all
Who gaze upon it -
A storm is coming.
Dark times are ahead.
Cures to you!
You foul, foul Thing!
You third stick of deodorant.
An ominous talisman.
It's sudden appearance
A dire portent.
Warning all
Who gaze upon it -
A storm is coming.
Dark times are ahead.
Cures to you!
You foul, foul Thing!
You third stick of deodorant.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
F-Stop That This Minute
I enjoyed seeing the pictures
Of my friend's kids'
FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
On Facebook.
The shiny new shoes.
The optimistic smiles.
The homemade signs
Handwritten or printed in comic sans
Complete with the year
the grade
the teacher.
First Day of Pre-K!!!
Second and Sixth!
I Can't Believe He's Starting High School!
My kid's pictures were
Conspicuous in their absence from my
Social Media Accounts this year.
The pictures all came out blurry.
Our camera does not have a
Temper tantrum setting.
Of my friend's kids'
FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
On Facebook.
The shiny new shoes.
The optimistic smiles.
The homemade signs
Handwritten or printed in comic sans
Complete with the year
the grade
the teacher.
First Day of Pre-K!!!
Second and Sixth!
I Can't Believe He's Starting High School!
My kid's pictures were
Conspicuous in their absence from my
Social Media Accounts this year.
The pictures all came out blurry.
Our camera does not have a
Temper tantrum setting.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Who Took a Dump in My Happy Place?
Vroooooom
Vroooooom
Vroooooom
It's a soothing sound
Like ocean waves,
Or late summer crickets,
A babbling brook.
White noise
Silencing the rest of the house's occupants.
The vacuum glides over the carpet
Creating pleasing patterns -
Indoor crop circles,
Erasing the activity of the day.
The tread marks of little sneakers,
The grass clippings,
The tire wear from matchbox cars-
Wiped clean.
Vroooooom
Vroooooom
Vroooooom
Ahh.
Take me to the happy place.
The clean and happy place.
Vroooooom
Vroooooom
Vroo-CLICK
RATTLERATTLERATTLE
CLACK.
Lego.
Vroooooom
Vroooooom
It's a soothing sound
Like ocean waves,
Or late summer crickets,
A babbling brook.
White noise
Silencing the rest of the house's occupants.
The vacuum glides over the carpet
Creating pleasing patterns -
Indoor crop circles,
Erasing the activity of the day.
The tread marks of little sneakers,
The grass clippings,
The tire wear from matchbox cars-
Wiped clean.
Vroooooom
Vroooooom
Vroooooom
Ahh.
Take me to the happy place.
The clean and happy place.
Vroooooom
Vroooooom
Vroo-CLICK
RATTLERATTLERATTLE
CLACK.
Lego.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
I Will Break You
It's been some time
All
Figured
Out.
Since you acted out
In piano
Or got reprimanded
In swim.
Did we break your spirit
Like a wild mustang?
Did the pile of parenting books
Checked out from the library
Actually help?
Did you just get older and
Figure out on your own that
The fits weren't getting you anywhere?
Should I just have chilled out
And let time
And development
Work their magic?
Could I have saved up some energy
From my own counter-tantrum tantrums?
By the time you are too old
For all of it to matter,
I may have this parenting thing
All
Figured
Out.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Wave Pool
The wave pool
Is a watery mosh pit.
My twins are the slam dancers
Feeling the music-
Joyfully careening into strangers.
They are two independently floating
Pieces of flotsam.
They bob up and down
In their red life jackets,
As the waves crash at them
From either side,
Dousing them happily.
I am the yellow shirted bouncer
Facing away from the stage
With ear plugs in,
Annoyed with the jostling
And splashing.
"Too deep"
"Come back"
I am still clinging to the idea of safety.
I am trying not to be a stick in this mud.
I should jump in with them
And float
And bob
And dance.
Is a watery mosh pit.
My twins are the slam dancers
Feeling the music-
Joyfully careening into strangers.
They are two independently floating
Pieces of flotsam.
They bob up and down
In their red life jackets,
As the waves crash at them
From either side,
Dousing them happily.
I am the yellow shirted bouncer
Facing away from the stage
With ear plugs in,
Annoyed with the jostling
And splashing.
"Too deep"
"Come back"
I am still clinging to the idea of safety.
I am trying not to be a stick in this mud.
I should jump in with them
And float
And bob
And dance.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
A Day at the Beach
He is sitting in the sun baked sand,
The only warm place on the beach today.
The strong wind is blowing cold air inland from over the water,
The waves more like an ocean than a lake.
They draw up the sand and churn brown.
Before him rests a bubble gum pink basket,
Bunnies decorating the sides
Dancing in an endless parade,
A reminder that this pail once held: jelly beans, chocolate and green plastic grass,
A surprise on the dining room table on Easter morning.
Now it is filled with a mixture of sand and murky water
He is having trouble filling the bucket with more sand,
His movement limited to using his non-dominant left hand to work the green shovel.
His right arm is up in the air.
His hand clutching on to the string of his kite,
Still flying at full extension of the string.
He would rather do both things poorly than
Relinquish his turn at the kite's helm.
He must do it all.
He must get everything out of his
Day at the Beach.
The only warm place on the beach today.
The strong wind is blowing cold air inland from over the water,
The waves more like an ocean than a lake.
They draw up the sand and churn brown.
Before him rests a bubble gum pink basket,
Bunnies decorating the sides
Dancing in an endless parade,
A reminder that this pail once held: jelly beans, chocolate and green plastic grass,
A surprise on the dining room table on Easter morning.
Now it is filled with a mixture of sand and murky water
He is having trouble filling the bucket with more sand,
His movement limited to using his non-dominant left hand to work the green shovel.
His right arm is up in the air.
His hand clutching on to the string of his kite,
Still flying at full extension of the string.
He would rather do both things poorly than
Relinquish his turn at the kite's helm.
He must do it all.
He must get everything out of his
Day at the Beach.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Hard Work
He grabs a scrap piece of paper and black ink pen
And starts to give a pen a vigorous workout.
Quick jots here and
Long lines there.
He pauses to push the hair out of his eyes and sigh.
He scratches the whole thing out and starts again.
I sidle over to where he sits,
Anxious to see a funny new drawing,
But there are no rock bands playing guitars.
There are no baseball teams. No Zombies
No TNT.
There are numbers.
Progressively bigger numbers!
He is challenging himself!
He is doing math- high level math
On Summer Break!
He diligently continues his work unabated for several more minutes
Until finally, he looks up,
Beaming with pride.
"Look, Dad" We still have 5,184,000 seconds left of summer vacation before school starts!"
And starts to give a pen a vigorous workout.
Quick jots here and
Long lines there.
He pauses to push the hair out of his eyes and sigh.
He scratches the whole thing out and starts again.
I sidle over to where he sits,
Anxious to see a funny new drawing,
But there are no rock bands playing guitars.
There are no baseball teams. No Zombies
No TNT.
There are numbers.
Progressively bigger numbers!
He is challenging himself!
He is doing math- high level math
On Summer Break!
He diligently continues his work unabated for several more minutes
Until finally, he looks up,
Beaming with pride.
"Look, Dad" We still have 5,184,000 seconds left of summer vacation before school starts!"
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Comics Week Day 2!
This fabulous comic was drawn by my 10 year old for my birthday!
Here's the whole thing...
And panel by panel...
Monday, June 30, 2014
Web Comic Number 1! What?!@!
It's comics week here at PPOD! Sometimes the muse is off on vacation or it's your birthday or whatnot, and there is no time for poetry, Dr. Jones. There will be a few strips from different artists this week. I am not sure if Bill Watterson is stopping by or not. He hasn't gotten back to me.
This first one is mine, please forgive the lo-fi nature of the drawing. I'm old, and I can only draw with a paper and pen.
Monday, June 23, 2014
A Four Year Old, Bubble Wrap and Priorities
What's this?
POP!
Oh this.
This is important.
This is SO important.
This is my right now.
This is my everything.
POP!
When I squeeze.
POP!
When I push.
POP! POP! POP!
When I stomp!
This!
This is great!
This is SO IMPORTANT!
This is so much more important
Than wearing pants,
Than getting dressed,
Than not being naked!
POP!
Oh this.
This is important.
This is SO important.
This is my right now.
This is my everything.
POP!
When I squeeze.
POP!
When I push.
POP! POP! POP!
When I stomp!
This!
This is great!
This is SO IMPORTANT!
This is so much more important
Than wearing pants,
Than getting dressed,
Than not being naked!
Friday, June 20, 2014
What An Honor!
Have a listen:
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Guided Meditation for Parents
Ding
Ding
Ding
And now to sit-
Your posture should have a sense of awakeness
A sense of "I didn't get up last night three times because the thunder made the baby cry and the toddler wet the bed"
A sense of dignity
A sense of "I am going to wear something other than these dirty sweatpants to the grocery store"
A sense of what is going on in your body right now
A sense of "where it hurts on your upper lip where you got headbutted by a toddler saying good night"
A sense of "the pain in your lower back because she is too old to be carried to bed, but she insists"
Open yourself up to the thoughts
Coming and going through your mind
"Was that thump someone falling out of bed or someone trying to break into the house"
"Is someone crying or is my partner watching a movie. I used to watch movies. I like movies. I wish I could watch a movie. I remember that one that I really liked where Julia Roberts was a bank robber.."
Its okay for the mind to wander.
It is what our minds do.
Open yourself up to the feelings
That may be around.
Being open to them all.
Sadness. Fatigue. Regret. Anger. Hostility. Jealousy. Rage.
That's enough feelings.
Now lets focus on the breathing.
In and out.
Wherever you feel that breath moving,
Focus on that place.
If you feel it on the upper lip that you meant to shave or wax last week.
In the back of your mouth, that may smell like a rat's hide because you don't remember the last time you brushed your teeth.
In your chest, that used to be so proud and firm, but now sags with disappointment.
A deep breath in-
They were so cute when they were little
And a full breath out-
They will be going to college soon.
A full breath in-
Then we can do all of the travelling we wanted to do.
And all of the way out-
As if we can afford travel and tuition.
And now coming aware of the area around the body
And the space around the body that the body takes up
All of that space.
Aware of how much the couch is sagging.
Did we really need to have that spoonful of Nutella on the cookie last night?
Did it really make the crying seem less intense?
Aware of how you could be exercising instead of meditating
But it takes so much more energy.
If there are areas of the body where you are feeling pain
Like your cold dead heart
Allow the breath to open those areas of the body and be softened,
And warmed like when you were in your twenties.
Remember how much of a crap you gave about things that now seem so insignificant.
Allow the breath to carry you and your consciousness
Into your day.
Ding
Ding
Ding
(Thanks and apologies to Mark Williams - actually awesome meditation guru)
Ding
Ding
And now to sit-
Your posture should have a sense of awakeness
A sense of "I didn't get up last night three times because the thunder made the baby cry and the toddler wet the bed"
A sense of dignity
A sense of "I am going to wear something other than these dirty sweatpants to the grocery store"
A sense of what is going on in your body right now
A sense of "where it hurts on your upper lip where you got headbutted by a toddler saying good night"
A sense of "the pain in your lower back because she is too old to be carried to bed, but she insists"
Open yourself up to the thoughts
Coming and going through your mind
"Was that thump someone falling out of bed or someone trying to break into the house"
"Is someone crying or is my partner watching a movie. I used to watch movies. I like movies. I wish I could watch a movie. I remember that one that I really liked where Julia Roberts was a bank robber.."
Its okay for the mind to wander.
It is what our minds do.
Open yourself up to the feelings
That may be around.
Being open to them all.
Sadness. Fatigue. Regret. Anger. Hostility. Jealousy. Rage.
That's enough feelings.
Now lets focus on the breathing.
In and out.
Wherever you feel that breath moving,
Focus on that place.
If you feel it on the upper lip that you meant to shave or wax last week.
In the back of your mouth, that may smell like a rat's hide because you don't remember the last time you brushed your teeth.
In your chest, that used to be so proud and firm, but now sags with disappointment.
A deep breath in-
They were so cute when they were little
And a full breath out-
They will be going to college soon.
A full breath in-
Then we can do all of the travelling we wanted to do.
And all of the way out-
As if we can afford travel and tuition.
And now coming aware of the area around the body
And the space around the body that the body takes up
All of that space.
Aware of how much the couch is sagging.
Did we really need to have that spoonful of Nutella on the cookie last night?
Did it really make the crying seem less intense?
Aware of how you could be exercising instead of meditating
But it takes so much more energy.
If there are areas of the body where you are feeling pain
Like your cold dead heart
Allow the breath to open those areas of the body and be softened,
And warmed like when you were in your twenties.
Remember how much of a crap you gave about things that now seem so insignificant.
Allow the breath to carry you and your consciousness
Into your day.
Ding
Ding
Ding
(Thanks and apologies to Mark Williams - actually awesome meditation guru)
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Thumbs Up
My parenting goals
Have changed
Over time.
I used to want to challenge my kids.
To help them grow up
Strong
Safe
Well-adjusted
Self-confident
Patient
Smart
Proud
Creative
Musical
Kind
Now I just want them to keep them happy,
So they have nice things
To say about me on their Facebook pages
On Father's Day when they're grown up!
Have changed
Over time.
I used to want to challenge my kids.
To help them grow up
Strong
Safe
Well-adjusted
Self-confident
Patient
Smart
Proud
Creative
Musical
Kind
Now I just want them to keep them happy,
So they have nice things
To say about me on their Facebook pages
On Father's Day when they're grown up!
Monday, June 16, 2014
Important Moments
Pumping gas-
Gazing past but not looking at my
Reflection in the darkened glass,
My mind focused on
The next ten places to go and
The next ten things to do.
I am brought back to the moment
By the vibrating thump thump thump
Of a small hand against the vented back window
I block the sun with my hand
So that I can see through my reflection,
To see who is thumping.
I don't even remember
Who got into which seat.
I see her face-
Shining!
Grinning from ear to ear!
HI! HI! HI!
I see you!
I see Dad out there!
Outside the car! Pumping the gas!
HI DAD!
The next ten things need to stay the next 10 things.
I return her smile and enthusiastic wave.
Hi Darling!
HI! HI! HI!
I see you there, smiling and waving!
I love you, too!
Gazing past but not looking at my
Reflection in the darkened glass,
My mind focused on
The next ten places to go and
The next ten things to do.
I am brought back to the moment
By the vibrating thump thump thump
Of a small hand against the vented back window
I block the sun with my hand
So that I can see through my reflection,
To see who is thumping.
I don't even remember
Who got into which seat.
I see her face-
Shining!
Grinning from ear to ear!
HI! HI! HI!
I see you!
I see Dad out there!
Outside the car! Pumping the gas!
HI DAD!
The next ten things need to stay the next 10 things.
I return her smile and enthusiastic wave.
Hi Darling!
HI! HI! HI!
I see you there, smiling and waving!
I love you, too!
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
More Tragedy Than Comedy
Time
Drips
Drips
Drips
Out the seconds
Like drops of pitch
Slowly
Slowly
Slowly
When I am watching
A school performance
That my kid
Is not in.
Drips
Drips
Drips
Out the seconds
Like drops of pitch
Slowly
Slowly
Slowly
When I am watching
A school performance
That my kid
Is not in.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Forgetting
We have gotten them to preschool on time all year.
We have always arrived to preschool on time to pick them up.
Snacks were packed every day and not forgotten.
Snow boots were sent in the wintertime
Rain boots were packed in the spring.
Permission slips were filled out and returned.
We participated in fundraisers and open houses and science fairs.
Why then,
As their teacher kisses each child
On on both of their cheeks
And their foreheads,
And wishes them good luck in the fall at their new school,
Do I feel SO GUILTY
That I had NO IDEA
Today was the last day of preschool?
We have always arrived to preschool on time to pick them up.
Snacks were packed every day and not forgotten.
Snow boots were sent in the wintertime
Rain boots were packed in the spring.
Permission slips were filled out and returned.
We participated in fundraisers and open houses and science fairs.
Why then,
As their teacher kisses each child
On on both of their cheeks
And their foreheads,
And wishes them good luck in the fall at their new school,
Do I feel SO GUILTY
That I had NO IDEA
Today was the last day of preschool?
Monday, May 19, 2014
If a Picture is Taken in a Forest...
The flash going off in the hallway is unexpected
I turn to see what exciting life event is being saved for posterity.
The oldest has commandeered the old point and shoot digital camera
With better cameras available on cell phones,
It has been relegated, unused, to a drawer for months.
But he has found it
And claimed it for his personal use.
And now,
Triumphantly
He holds his arms out away from his head and up at a 45 degree angle to the horizon
(pausing to adjust his baseball cap)
He turns the camera towards his face,
Which erupts in a full smile of eyes and braces and teeth!
Cheese!
He lowers the camera and flips it over to examine the screen
Turning the knobs to review the captured image.
He grins, satisfied, then punches a few more buttons
To delete the picture.
The selfie that no one will ever see.
I turn to see what exciting life event is being saved for posterity.
The oldest has commandeered the old point and shoot digital camera
With better cameras available on cell phones,
It has been relegated, unused, to a drawer for months.
But he has found it
And claimed it for his personal use.
And now,
Triumphantly
He holds his arms out away from his head and up at a 45 degree angle to the horizon
(pausing to adjust his baseball cap)
He turns the camera towards his face,
Which erupts in a full smile of eyes and braces and teeth!
Cheese!
He lowers the camera and flips it over to examine the screen
Turning the knobs to review the captured image.
He grins, satisfied, then punches a few more buttons
To delete the picture.
The selfie that no one will ever see.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Closed Doors
Two closed doors
At the top of the stairs.
Each room a refuge-
A place to let the anger subside.
They are not mad at each other,
Not this time.
Each door, decorated with their names
And months old artwork,
Was slammed in my tyrannical face.
I did not yell, holler, scream
Or stamp my feet at them,
Not this time.
My crime was only suggesting that
9:45 was too early for lunch.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Busy Bee
Busy
Busy busy
Busy busy busy
Running running
Here and there
I think I passed myself
In the hallway picking up Little People
Today is a
"Where did I put the underwear
With the poop in them"
Kind of busy
Monday, May 12, 2014
Where Too Many Men Have Gone Before
When I am older
And my hair is gray.
When I am hard of hearing
And I need help getting around and
Taking care of myself.
I hope that you remember today,
My dear, darling daughter.
I hope that you remember the day you asked,
"Daddy, will you go into the port-a-potty with me?"
And I replied,
"Yeah. Sure. I guess so."
Friday, May 9, 2014
Stopping for Some FroYo on a Spring Evening
Stopping for some FroYo on a Spring evening,
We pause to lock our bikes to a tree.
My two trusty companions
And me.
Suddenly the ground starts to shake,
A frigid blast of cold wind whips down from the North and
The air is filed with a high pitched whine.
The hair on the back of my neck stands up,
I have a bad feeling about this.
Then I see the first ones come over the rise.
The surging adrenaline slows time
I turn to the faces of my young friends,
Desperate to meet their eyes,
Panic fills my voice.
"THEY'RE COMING!!
RUN FOR IT!!!"
We jettison their locks and their helmets,
Running for safety.
We do not speak again until we are barricaded safely inside,
"What was that, Dad?"
He pants, out of breath.
"A tween birthday party, son.
There had to have been at least twenty of them,
And they're still out there.
Quick - to the cookie dough while there is still time!"
We pause to lock our bikes to a tree.
My two trusty companions
And me.
Suddenly the ground starts to shake,
A frigid blast of cold wind whips down from the North and
The air is filed with a high pitched whine.
The hair on the back of my neck stands up,
I have a bad feeling about this.
Then I see the first ones come over the rise.
The surging adrenaline slows time
I turn to the faces of my young friends,
Desperate to meet their eyes,
Panic fills my voice.
"THEY'RE COMING!!
RUN FOR IT!!!"
We jettison their locks and their helmets,
Running for safety.
We do not speak again until we are barricaded safely inside,
"What was that, Dad?"
He pants, out of breath.
"A tween birthday party, son.
There had to have been at least twenty of them,
And they're still out there.
Quick - to the cookie dough while there is still time!"
Thursday, May 8, 2014
The Birth of a Masterpeice
Head down,
Her new-copper-colored hair cascading
From the crown of her head,
Her face is hidden.
Markers and their caps
Are scattered everywhere across
The formica tabletop,
Their corpses-
Discarded casualties
Of the process.
The pigments have flown across the paper.
Dotted Circled Scribbled
The misfired ink on her hands
Pajamas and face,
An inevitability of her process.
As she works,
She sings her own accompaniment.
The soundtrack, a song about
Cheetos, An Upcoming Trip, Her Sister, Her Grandmother
To the tune of "Jolly Old St. Nicholas."
Finally it is done-
Another masterpiece.
Happy Mother's Day.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
On Gender Differences in Little Leauge
In the course of an early spring baseball game,
Nature called.
In the well appointed (for a baseball diamond) restroom,
I found the ubiquitous
Forced Air Hand Dryer
That has been found in similar little boys rooms since the sixties.
These hand dryers all come with
Explicit instructions
That begin:
1. PUSH BUTTON
This restroom dryer was like every other hand dryer I have encountered
In every other Little Boys Room since the beginning of my memory.
Similar in that
In a fit of hilarious vandalism,
The crucial letters "O" and "N" were vigorously scratched off
And the detailed instructions now began:
1. PUSH BUTT
I must admit,
When I saw this
I laughed a little Buttheadian chuckle.
Huh.Huh.Huh.
(It gets me every time.)
When I asked the assembled baseball moms if their
Forced Air Hand Dryer
Was similarly, classically maimed,
They claimed ignorance.
They had never seen such things.
And isn't that kind of childish?
Little Mars.
Little Venus.
It must start early.
Nature called.
In the well appointed (for a baseball diamond) restroom,
I found the ubiquitous
Forced Air Hand Dryer
That has been found in similar little boys rooms since the sixties.
These hand dryers all come with
Explicit instructions
That begin:
1. PUSH BUTTON
This restroom dryer was like every other hand dryer I have encountered
In every other Little Boys Room since the beginning of my memory.
Similar in that
In a fit of hilarious vandalism,
The crucial letters "O" and "N" were vigorously scratched off
And the detailed instructions now began:
1. PUSH BUTT
I must admit,
When I saw this
I laughed a little Buttheadian chuckle.
Huh.Huh.Huh.
(It gets me every time.)
When I asked the assembled baseball moms if their
Forced Air Hand Dryer
Was similarly, classically maimed,
They claimed ignorance.
They had never seen such things.
And isn't that kind of childish?
Little Mars.
Little Venus.
It must start early.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Condiments
Ketchup!
Mustard!
Ketchup!
Mustard!
Driving down the quiet city streets
On the way to preschool
Shouting started from the backseat.
Mustard!
Ketchup!
Excited, playful shouting
Not the often heard bickering
Mustard!
Mustard!
It started seemingly from nowhere
There was no discussion about
Favorite condiments for
Hot dogs, hamburgers or french fries
They just started shouting
Ketchup!
Mustard!
It took me another three blocks to realize
They had created a game out of the ether.
When they saw something red, they yelled
Ketchup!
And when they saw something yellow, they yelled,
Mustard!
There was no discussion beforehand
About the game to be played
But they started at the same, in perfect unison
And that-
Twin Hive Mind
Frightens me
Terribly
Mustard!
Ketchup!
Mustard!
Driving down the quiet city streets
On the way to preschool
Shouting started from the backseat.
Mustard!
Ketchup!
Excited, playful shouting
Not the often heard bickering
Mustard!
Mustard!
It started seemingly from nowhere
There was no discussion about
Favorite condiments for
Hot dogs, hamburgers or french fries
They just started shouting
Ketchup!
Mustard!
It took me another three blocks to realize
They had created a game out of the ether.
When they saw something red, they yelled
Ketchup!
And when they saw something yellow, they yelled,
Mustard!
There was no discussion beforehand
About the game to be played
But they started at the same, in perfect unison
And that-
Twin Hive Mind
Frightens me
Terribly
Friday, May 2, 2014
Going Down?
What's that banging?
Do you hear crying?
Girls
Girls
Girls
How did you lock yourselves in your brothers' closet?
Why are all of their clothes on the floor?
There are stuffed animals everywhere!
You cannot do this.
You are not allowed to play here.
No more playing in the boys closet!
But this is our animal hosbibal and that was our elebator!
Wahhh!!!!
Do you hear crying?
Girls
Girls
Girls
How did you lock yourselves in your brothers' closet?
Why are all of their clothes on the floor?
There are stuffed animals everywhere!
You cannot do this.
You are not allowed to play here.
No more playing in the boys closet!
But this is our animal hosbibal and that was our elebator!
Wahhh!!!!
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Inspiration (Secrets of the New Writing Revolution)
Since so many great ideas have
Come to me while I am:
In a car pool line
At baseball practice
At swim lessons
At piano practice
And are subsequently
Forgotten while I:
Do laundry
Prepare meals
Clean the house
Work
I decided to make an
IDEA NOTEBOOK
So that I could jot all my little ideas
Down
As
They
Come
So I can skip the inspiration step and
Flesh the ideas out during my
Downtime
Thereby markedly increasing my productivity and writerly output
I would like to share with you the success of
Day One
Of the New Writing Revolution (TM)
I wrote
IDEA NOTEBOOK
Really big in black sharpie on a notebook
With a fancy drop shadow
And then I had to go pick the kids up from school.
Today's word count: 2
Come to me while I am:
In a car pool line
At baseball practice
At swim lessons
At piano practice
And are subsequently
Forgotten while I:
Do laundry
Prepare meals
Clean the house
Work
I decided to make an
IDEA NOTEBOOK
So that I could jot all my little ideas
Down
As
They
Come
So I can skip the inspiration step and
Flesh the ideas out during my
Downtime
Thereby markedly increasing my productivity and writerly output
I would like to share with you the success of
Day One
Of the New Writing Revolution (TM)
I wrote
IDEA NOTEBOOK
Really big in black sharpie on a notebook
With a fancy drop shadow
And then I had to go pick the kids up from school.
Today's word count: 2
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
The Sweetest of Spots
The almanacs of parenting tell of a time
Where the hard toil of many seasons
Blossoms into a harvest of happiness:
The Sweet Spot
Old enough to not need your
Constant supervision and attention
To be free of diapers and wipes and bags
Able to walk and run and skip and jump without often falling
With a growing playful imagination that can create games on their own
BUT
Young enough
To still want to have you around.
To guard the door of a strange stall or Port-O-Let.
To pick up, bandage and kiss or lend a hand when balance is failing
To pretend to be their scary monster or pirate at the playground
Before the independence you tried to foster for so long
Not only takes hold,
But becomes a barrier between you
As they continue to grow and uproot
On their way to a new garden
Where the hard toil of many seasons
Blossoms into a harvest of happiness:
The Sweet Spot
Old enough to not need your
Constant supervision and attention
To be free of diapers and wipes and bags
Able to walk and run and skip and jump without often falling
With a growing playful imagination that can create games on their own
BUT
Young enough
To still want to have you around.
To guard the door of a strange stall or Port-O-Let.
To pick up, bandage and kiss or lend a hand when balance is failing
To pretend to be their scary monster or pirate at the playground
Before the independence you tried to foster for so long
Not only takes hold,
But becomes a barrier between you
As they continue to grow and uproot
On their way to a new garden
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
The Afterlife
I'm not sure if there is a
Day of Final Judgement
For humans when we die.
A gleaming golden set of pearly gates
Beset by clouds
A grey-haired saint Peter
Thinning a little at the top
Clean trimmed salt and pepper beard
Wearing his white graduation gown.
Standing at his gilded lectern
Peering at those to be judged
Over half-moon reading glasses
Affixed to his neck with a glimmering chain.
His hands resting on an open book
A catalogue of the accumulated good and bad deeds.
I hope against all hope
That final ledger contains
A column titled:
"Parental sportsmanship at little league games"
Because if I had my way,
The dude settling next to me who just
REVELED
In the joy of a nine year old striking out,
Should roast on a spit
In the great Showtime Rotisserie Of Eternity.
Even if he saves some kids from a burning orphanage a few years from now.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Tear Jerkers
Even though he is now seven,
He still cries at movies.
Deep, heaving sobs
With tears streaming down his cheeks.
Especially if there is
A pig in peril,
A dog far from home,
A frog in a Russian prison,
Or a boy lost in the space-time continuum.
I am not worried about this.
He has a big heart and
An active imagination.
There will be a day when he grows up
And movies will no longer have that strong of an emotional grip.
And the only thing that will make him cry,
Is thinking about his little boy growing up.
He still cries at movies.
Deep, heaving sobs
With tears streaming down his cheeks.
Especially if there is
A pig in peril,
A dog far from home,
A frog in a Russian prison,
Or a boy lost in the space-time continuum.
I am not worried about this.
He has a big heart and
An active imagination.
There will be a day when he grows up
And movies will no longer have that strong of an emotional grip.
And the only thing that will make him cry,
Is thinking about his little boy growing up.
Friday, April 18, 2014
Yet Another New Rule
I discovered new tribal art
At bath time.
A trail of ink stamped from
Pale inner wrist to
Outer shoulder.
$418$418$418$418$418$418
She tries to absolve the obviously guilty older brother,
But her testimony crumbles under the anatomic impossibility
Of this being a one man job.
This has lead to a new rule:
NO PRICING YOUR SISTER.
At least he wasn't letting her go for cheap.
At bath time.
A trail of ink stamped from
Pale inner wrist to
Outer shoulder.
$418$418$418$418$418$418
She tries to absolve the obviously guilty older brother,
But her testimony crumbles under the anatomic impossibility
Of this being a one man job.
This has lead to a new rule:
NO PRICING YOUR SISTER.
At least he wasn't letting her go for cheap.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Another Brilliant Idea Down the Toilet
I do laundry-
Lots of laundry.
Three to four loads of laundry,
At least twice a week-
It's like my hobby.
After a few mishaps with markers and melted crayon,
I took my wife's advice and started checking ALL
(not most)
Of the pants pockets
(front AND back)
Before they got chucked
Into the washing machine.
The things I found
Were fascinating to me.
Discarded bits of my kids' life.
A guitar pick
A piece of string
Half of an eraser
A hand drawn cartoon folded into a rectangle
A ticket
I thought,
If taken in sum,
These biweekly treasures that were important enough to squirrel away in their jeans
Might paint a picture of who my kids are.
To photograph these things,
This junk,
This crap.
And make a blog of just the pictures without comment.
I was going to call it www.crapinmykidspants.com
But the URL was already taken
You shouldn't go there
It's gross.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Stuff This in Your Facebook
Praise the effort, not the final product.
Commend the character, not the deed.
Express disappointment in the choice not the child.
Well intentioned
Small studies
Without real life outcomes
Amplified by social media
Make me feel like I need to
MICROMANAGE MY WORDS!!
Or I am a bad parent
(or did I make a bad choice)
Can we all start with...
Try to listen.
Try to look in the eye.
Try not to yell
or hit
or hurt.
Give them your
Hugs and
Kisses and
Time.
Give it twenty years
And let's see how it works out.
Commend the character, not the deed.
Express disappointment in the choice not the child.
Well intentioned
Small studies
Without real life outcomes
Amplified by social media
Make me feel like I need to
MICROMANAGE MY WORDS!!
Or I am a bad parent
(or did I make a bad choice)
Can we all start with...
Try to listen.
Try to look in the eye.
Try not to yell
or hit
or hurt.
Give them your
Hugs and
Kisses and
Time.
Give it twenty years
And let's see how it works out.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Conflict Resolution
"Daddy,
I need your help.
The boys won't let me play their game.
I want to be a princess."
Her face is downtrodden.
Her voice a barely audible squeak.
I need your help.
The boys won't let me play their game.
I want to be a princess."
Her face is downtrodden.
Her voice a barely audible squeak.
We travel together to the basement.
Blankets and rearranged chairs have transformed the space into their imaginations' playground.
"Boys, your attention please!
Your sister wants to play with you.
She wants to be a princess.
Please let her be a princess."
Expressions of shock and indignation
Fly in the face of the request.
"But Dad,
There are no princesses
In World War II!"
I meet the exasperation with a salute as inspiration strikes,
"General!
Meet your new recruit:
Princess Jones"
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Life's Little Rewards
I am beaming
I am puffed up with pride
I am enjoying my reward
I am sitting in this chair
She is in another room playing
And it floats on the air to me
Her gift - A dandelion seed
"As I walked in to Glascow city....."
She knows all the words to "Nancy Whiskey"
I am puffed up with pride
I am enjoying my reward
I am sitting in this chair
She is in another room playing
And it floats on the air to me
Her gift - A dandelion seed
"As I walked in to Glascow city....."
She knows all the words to "Nancy Whiskey"
Thursday, April 10, 2014
What Happens in the Mine....
Dad! I painted two new paintings and a sign with my name on it and hung it up in my room!
Dad! Yesterday my cousin got stuck in the bottom of a deep hole and he lost some string he was carrying!
Dad! I made a house out of sticks and filled it with dynamite and then when a zombie came along I lit a fuse and blew the whole thing up!
Would you
Ever so kindly
Raise your left hand
When a story you are telling me happened
In the real world
Great
Dad! Yesterday my cousin got stuck in the bottom of a deep hole and he lost some string he was carrying!
Ohhkayyy......
Dad! I made a house out of sticks and filled it with dynamite and then when a zombie came along I lit a fuse and blew the whole thing up!
Hang On!
I think we need a new rule
Would you
Ever so kindly
Raise your left hand
When a story you are telling me happened
In the real world
And raise your right hand
When a story you are telling me happened
In Minecraft
I may not see much of the left hand for awhile
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
You Can Decide if This Actually Happened
Come on everybody!
Let's Go!
Get in the Car!
It's time to go to swim!
We are late!
Come on! Come on!
Don't dilly dally!
Get in the van and buckle up!
Big ones, help the little ones!
I'm right behind you, I just need to lock up the house!
(with this bowl of peanut butter frosting and this spoon)
Okay, let's roll.
Let's Go!
Get in the Car!
It's time to go to swim!
We are late!
Come on! Come on!
Don't dilly dally!
Get in the van and buckle up!
Big ones, help the little ones!
I'm right behind you, I just need to lock up the house!
(with this bowl of peanut butter frosting and this spoon)
Okay, let's roll.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
I Gotta Feelin'
As a parent
You sometimes get
A feeling
A feeling
Like you are entering a haunted house
Like you are at the top of the roller coaster
Like opening the door to a surprise party
A feeling
Like I don't know where this is going to go
But it's probably going to be an interesting ride
It might be a little bit scary
You can either hold on to the railing
Or put your hands in the air and scream
A feeling
Like when you hear
A four year old say to her brother,
"Hey bud, here's the Sharpie you wanted!"
Monday, April 7, 2014
The Legacy of Man
It has taken forty years,
But today I assumed my legacy.
The legacy of a father,
Left to me by my father
And his father before him,
And his father before him.
There were times when others doubted,
Nay!!
Certain I would not,
He will not!!!
Or that I could not,
He can not!!!
Fulfill my birthright.
Alas,
The time was right.
I saw what needed to be done,
And I did that thing.
I cleaned my driveway.
With a hose.
At least the black socks kept my toes warm in the sandals.
But today I assumed my legacy.
The legacy of a father,
Left to me by my father
And his father before him,
And his father before him.
There were times when others doubted,
Nay!!
Certain I would not,
He will not!!!
Or that I could not,
He can not!!!
Fulfill my birthright.
Alas,
The time was right.
I saw what needed to be done,
And I did that thing.
I cleaned my driveway.
With a hose.
At least the black socks kept my toes warm in the sandals.
Friday, April 4, 2014
The Name Game
I can trace its origins.
I know that your cousin has a cat
That is named after a popular candy
With a plural sounding name.
I am sure that this is a tribute
To little "Snickers" who lives
In the barn.
But it makes me laugh,
When you two are pretending to be
A pet owner and a kitty cat
And all I hear,
Suckers! Get over here!
C'mon, Suckers!
Suuuuccckkkkerrrsss!
I know that your cousin has a cat
That is named after a popular candy
With a plural sounding name.
I am sure that this is a tribute
To little "Snickers" who lives
In the barn.
But it makes me laugh,
When you two are pretending to be
A pet owner and a kitty cat
And all I hear,
Suckers! Get over here!
C'mon, Suckers!
Suuuuccckkkkerrrsss!
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Measuring
"Daddy, I need to borrow the measurer."
I take the yellow and black
Stanley Measuring Tape
And place it firmly in her open palm
A perfect impression of a scrub nurse
It lands with a pat
She crosses the room
With a shuffling run
Quietly sidling next to the
Patient cat
She coordinates her small hands
One feeding the metal tape out
The other keeping it from retreating
Into the tools' plastic snail shell
Slowly Slowly Slowly
The concentration required
Forces her tongue out of her mouth
Finally she exclaims,
"Seventeen Pounds!"
I take the yellow and black
Stanley Measuring Tape
And place it firmly in her open palm
A perfect impression of a scrub nurse
It lands with a pat
She crosses the room
With a shuffling run
Quietly sidling next to the
Patient cat
She coordinates her small hands
One feeding the metal tape out
The other keeping it from retreating
Into the tools' plastic snail shell
Slowly Slowly Slowly
The concentration required
Forces her tongue out of her mouth
Finally she exclaims,
"Seventeen Pounds!"
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