The Chauffeur

Go to swim.
Home from swim.

Go to soccer.
Home from soccer.

Go to piano.
Home from piano.

Go to school.
Home from school.

Have I been demoted
From Dad to Chauffeur?

Does the Chauffeur's heart
Break a little when he drops
The Rock Star off at the five-star hotel?

Does the Chauffeur jump for joy
When the businessman comes out of baggage claim?

I may be putting more miles on the Minivan,
But I am still more Dad than Chauffeur.

Too Much Wedding

Music Throbbing
Lights Flashing
People
   Dancing
     Eating
       Drinking
         Singing
Toddler on her Daddy's lap
Sleeping

Crust Wars

I don't want to eat my crust.

Tough, I say.

It's a grilled cheese sandwich.

I'ts practically all crust.

The cheese layer is just there to stick more crust on.

To not eat the crust is to rob yourself of part of the experience.

I'll eat your crust,

The other one pipes in,

Grabbing the black carby worm from her sister's hand,

And popping it into her mouth.

Yum-a!

Hey,

She was going to eat that!

You have robbed your sister of some character development!

This was a teachable moment!

Maybe I'll eat my crust next time.
Maybe.

Put down your phone

Daddy put down your phone.
This is George!
He is an invisible turtle riding guy!
He landed on the color red!
Daddy put down your phone.

Daddy put down your phone.
Did you see the race car in the museum?
It looked soooo fast.
Do you think it can still race?
Daddy put down your phone.

Daddy put down your phone.
Do you want to toe clap?
It is where you clap your toes together like hands.
It is like a toe high five!
Daddy put down your phone.

Daddy put down your phone.
I am six.
I will only be six for one year.
The internet will still be there
When I go to school,
Or when I am in bed at night.
Daddy put down your phone.

Dear My Boss

Dear my boss,
Please accept my sincere apologies
Regarding my late arrival at work today.

You see,
The dolly had only one shoe and it was the white shoe not the blue shoe and this is the dolly that has the white shoes!

And then,
The shirt was the blue shirt with the bird, not the blue shirt with the flowers and that doesn't go with the pink shorts with the stripes!

This was complicated by,
Not enough of milk in the cereal, no I need milk in my bowl not milk in my glass!

I will endeavor to address these issues in the future,
And avoid any further tardiness.

Sincerely,
Employee dad

They Didn't Name it Minivan Chalk for a Reason

Finding sidewalk chalk on the back of your minivan is like....

      Seeing a couple in matching shirts at the state fair

            Smelling that someone passed gas in a crowded elevator

                 Having a round of drinks come to your table at 12:30

                     Finding poo in the swimming pool

It's clear that someone made a bad choice, you're just not sure who!

Pop Culture Parenting - Part 1

As a pop culture junkie and a parent, it is of little surprise to me that when I reach for a handy aphorism to teach my children a lesson, it is not Aesop, Ben Franklin or Confucius that I quote, but lines from popular TV and movies.  These are far ranging in both their scope and degree of appropriateness for the assembled audience.  I don't expect them to "get" the reference.  (Hey Dad, that's just like The Dude said in The Big Lebowski!)  This is just something I do sometimes to get through the day as a parent.  I have assembled a list of my most often used movie and TV quotes and I offer situations in which you too can offer some perfectly cromulent advice.

"Do or do not.  There is no try."
Yoda (Frank Oz),  "The Empire Strikes Back"

Every child has a natural unease at trying a new task, like riding a bicycle, roller skating, cliff diving.  This is likely some evolutionary protective measure to keep them from hurting themselves.  That's what they need parents for, a little kick out of the proverbial nest.  Like a boss, Yoda tells Luke to take 10 cc's of Vitamin Suck-it-up and just get the damn X-Wing out of the water.

Other acceptable quotes to use from this movie:  "(insert child's name here) I am your father."  Yes, I know nerds, in the movie he never actually says, "Luuuke, I am your father."  Let's pretend he did.

"Coffee is for closers."
Blake (Alec Baldwin),  "Glengarry Glen Ross"

Alec Baldwin's character in the movie, based on a play, is a trying to be a Dale Carnegie level motivator and increase sales in the small real estate office.  He tells his subordinates, "coffee is for closers."  If you can't make the sale, you can't enjoy the fruits of the labor.  In my house, dessert and seconds are for "closers."  If you don't finish your meal, you don't get treats.  Some days, instead having to deal with the nutritional dissonance of saying, "If you want a cookie, you have to finish your pizza," the cookies become "for closers."

Oh, and the video, like the movie, is sooooo NSFW, or around kids, so only play the clip if you're comfortable with some swears.

Other acceptable quotes to use from this movie: "A.B.C.  Always be closing." or eating, or practicing.

"Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place."
John Bender (Judd Nelson), "The Breakfast Club"

Kids toys break.  ALL THE TIME.  Especially the crap they get at birthday parties that is imported from some Chinese mail order catalog.  That junk survives less than a day at my house.  I say prepare them for the general hardship of the world.  If you have stuff, your stuff will break.  When the kids cry about that, I drop this truth bomb.

Other acceptable quotes from this movie:  "That's what you get for spilling paint in the garage at my house.  Do.  I.  Stutter?"  Now, don't get the idea that I'm rolling up my sleeve here and showing my kids some horrific scar from my childhood or implying that the same will happen to them.  There are just some times, when the listening isn't quite happening as you would like, that you need a little emphasis without going into full on yell.  Usually this is along the lines of "Stop stepping on your sister's head.  Do.  I.  Stutter?"

Still other acceptable quotes from this movie:  "Don't mess with the bull, young man.  You'll get the horns."  Then you can make little horn fingers over your head and look both crazy and menacing at the same time, a goal I think all of us parents have.

Stay tuned for part two!

Mop Top

I am not sure what caused his hair

This summer

To turn from a straight brown mop

Into a wonderful conflagration.

Sun kissed strands

Jutting this way and that 

Crashing waves frozen in time

A white blonde pile of pick up sticks

Defiant of any comb or brush

Sweat?

Sunscreen?

Super Cuts?

Thank you.

It is glorious.

Safety First

Even though
It looks like I am
Just up here,
Driving the van,
I am listening
To your conversation
With your friend
About what things
You can set on fire
With a magnifying glass.

Slippin', Slidin'

Using a "Slip And Slide" seems like an easy concept to grasp,

Step 1 - run

Step 2 - dive

Step 3 - slide

Step 4 - laugh maniacally with glee

Repeat.

The three year old instructions seem to be:

Step 1 - run onto the mat

Step 2 - come to a full and complete stop

Step 3 - fall on your bottom

Step 4 - slowly scoot to the end of the mat

Step 5 - laugh maniacally with glee

Repeat.

At least the end result is the same.

The Morning Salute

I am lying across my queen bed,
Having attempted to wake up and failed.
My eyes still closed,
I hear small footsteps through the door.

A fart in the darkness,
Then he jumps on my bed.

"I knew it was you from the toot,"
I greet him.

"Yeah, that's just my sense of humor."

The Little Differences

A six year old can look up at droplets of water in the sky
On a exquisitely sunny, cloudless
Ninety degree day and happily exclaim,
"Look!  It's raining!!"
Only to be met with a deflating
Retort from his nine year old brother,
"Dude.
It's the sprinkler."

Feverworks (a limerick)

It was the very first Forth of July,
The whole family could watch fireworks in the sky.
It happened so quick.
Two kids got quite sick.
Maybe next year we'll give it a try.

I'm Hungry

You just ate

      A sandwich,
            An apple,
                  Some carrots,
                        Cashews,
                               Raisins,

And drank a glass of milk
          For lunch

A HALF HOUR AGO!

And now you want a snack?

Darn You Summer!

RIF - Reading is F.....

This is hard.

He struggles to sound out the word,
Then blurts out any other word he knows that starts with the same letter,
Throwing his head back on the couch,
With a lion's growl and wrinkle nosed sneer of frustration.

I hold my finger under the word,
Slowly sounding it out myself.
I am trying to be patient, calm and encouraging.
I am mostly succeeding.

I know that once this smart boy

Can master this complex skill

He will be in love.

His already fantastic imagination will be engaged.
He will be transported to far away places!
He will have exciting adventures!
He will shine a flashlight under his covers.
He will spend an extra ten minutes in the bathroom,

Just to read

             one!

                    more!

                           page!

But now,
This is hard.

The Four Ring Circus

In this corner
One little one is crying
Because she woke up.

In this corner

One little one is yelling 

Because she wants picked up.

In this corner

A bigger one is whining

Because he wants a snack.

Daddy is trying to give Mommy

The status update before he goes to work.

Shouldn't there be one more, she asks.

Oh yeah, sorry.

He is at a friend's house, playing.

They have fewer corners.

Fame is Fleeting

For a few seconds,
While he and his little league team
Walked across the infield
Where the Major Leaguers play,
Their pictures flashed up on the Jumbo-tron
Fifty feet high!
And they were famous!

Clusters of little boys
(and occasional girls)
In matching hats and shirts,
With mismatching shorts and pants.
As if someone unleashed a shrink ray on
The Cubs, Cardinals, Orioles and Royals.

Smiling!  Laughing!  Waving!

Days were made.

Happy Father's Day

On Father's Day,

The only mowing
Should be Dad mowing down donuts.

The only "because I said so"
Should be in response to, "Why are you having two pieces of cake?"

The only "Time out"
Should be time outside with the kids.

Happy Father's Day to all the Fathers and Grandfathers and Stepfathers!

Practice Makes Perfect

It's something I do everyday
At least twice.
Sometimes I do it four or six times a day,
Without any hint of emotion

But today,
When I saw you
TIE YOUR SHOES
for the first time,
it made me cry.

You looked up
as if you too were surprised
That you could.
There was a glint,
a sparkle, in your eyes,
That said,
(before your voice)
"I did it!"

I know it's a little thing
One more new skill
In your ever expanding list of abilities.
Allow me to celebrate it,
And you,
With pride.

Size Matters

My three-year-old likes to name things

Goldilocks style.

Big things are the daddy.

Medium things are the mommy.

Little things are the baby.

Grandma and Grandpa and brother and sissy 

Can add granularity to the scale.

She does this for everything.

Even poop.

A Matter of Time

It was a matter of time.

Lego, Lego.
Tick, tick.

Reading, reading.
Tick, tick.

Baseball, baseball.
Tick, tick.

Piano, piano.
Tick, tick.

Climb tree, climb tree.
Tick, tick.

Time from the start of summer vacation to the first,
"I'M BORED"
less than 4 hours.

A Day at the Beach

Sometimes
When a 9 year old boy doesn't think you are looking
He will stand at the water's edge of a great lake
Feet perpendicular to the crashing waves
Arms out at his sides
Hips swiveling
Pretending to surf
Smiling

Focus

I sent him downstairs
To bring me up the laundry basket
He said he knew right where it was.
It was not hidden
or full.

That was twenty minutes ago.
Now I hear drumming.

Prognostication (Faded Memories)

There will be a day in the future
When my wife and I are sitting and drinking coffee
At a little side table on a busy street
In some far flung European city.

One of us will turn to the other and say,
"Do you remember when our little one
used to throw those colossal fits?"

The other will pause
and think for a moment before replying,
"Oh yeah.  I kind of do.  Huh.
Those were sure something."

Important Message

Talking on the phone with a friend

Talkity
      talk
        talk.

Beep!  Beep!

Call Waiting!
Caller ID!

My kids' school!
I need to take this to make sure
That they are okay!

Please listen to this important recorded message
About the upcoming school fundraiser.

Are these the people responsible for teaching my child
The definition of the word "important?"

Moon Shot

Hey dad can I have this box?

It is sitting by the back door
Waiting to be broken down
And taken to the recycling.
It has no idea it is about to become

A Spaceship!

He recruits his sisters
To become his fellow cosmonauts.
The spaceship is ferried to the
Living room launch pad.
The three of them cram into the box
For their long journey to the moon.

A countdown and blast off.
The box shakes and the astronauts bounce around
As they shake off the coils of earth's gravity.
One of the younger travelers tumbles out into open space in the process
But is quickly rescued by the mission commander.

The paper eagle
Sets down on the moon's surface.
The explorers delicately exit their craft
And tip toe around the craters.

The science officer, the youngest of the crew,
Makes an observation
"Boy the moon looks a lot like our house!"

A Secret

She stands up on the high chair
Her mouth still full of food,
"Come here, Daddy
I have a secret to tell you."

If the secret is,
When you talk with your mouth full,
Food sprays across the kitchen,
Your secret is out.

Her arms encircle my neck
As I wipe her hands and face.
She bends in close to my ear and
Whispers in her husky voice.
"I wuv your heart, Daddy"

Even though I am unsure
Whether a Q-tip can get that piece of
Chick pea spittle out of my ear canal,
I love her heart, too.

Dairy Fashionista

I would think that he loves
Ice Cream enough
That he would want to get
As much as possible
Into his mouth.

Despite this
He is wearing
Half of a cone-full
On his shirt and pants.

Pollen Problem

Achoo!
Achoo!
Achoo!

The sneezes come rapid fire.
In quick succession,
They halt his breakfast mid spoonful of yogurt.

A trail of presumably
Allergen laden slime
Hangs from one nostril.

"Hey buddy can I grab you a Kleenex?"
A quick flick of the shirt sleeve answers
The question I shouldn't have asked.

Socks

Her socks are stripy AND
Her socks have polka dots
They are pink
They are green
They are yellow
They are blue
They go

All

The

Way

Past

Her

Knees

And she loves them!

Portrait of a Six Year Old

I am sitting back in a chair, talking on the phone to an old friend.
He walks into the office and flops his upper body onto my lap.
He then proceeds to beach himself like a sea lion on a sunny day,
His feet pushing against the rug, squirming side to side
Until his arms and legs are dangling and he is suspended on my legs.
I pat him on his back like a faithful pet.

He doesn't stay this way for long.
This position is not as comfortable as he thought it would be.
He elbows me sharply in the stomach as he rotates onto his back
And settles into his comfortable chair with a Daddy-shaped cushion.
He sighs, this is the respite he was looking for.

A Seuss Solution

It seems to me
That if the Sneetches without stars
Had just thrown their OWN really awesome all inclusive frankfurter roast
With a hot band and some beach volleyball and S'mores
Instead of moping about not being invited to the exclusive star party
They could have avoided Sylvester McMonkey McBean
And their countries' total fiscal meltdown altogether.

Who is going to buy frankfurters
When all the cash is in McBean's wheelbarrow?

Magical Toddler Thinking

I told her,
"The black mark
On your finger
Is from where you
Touched the dirty car."

After the car wash
She asked,
"Why is my finger
Still dirty?"

Christmas in (almost) July

Restraint.

A piercing stare into the baby monitor

Willing them to settle and sleep. 

He vowed not to go up and into their room a third time to remind them of their bedtime responsibility. 

In return

The no longer babies

Sing each other choruses of

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer 

In full voice.

It is May. 

Hands grip the kitchen counter. 

Arms extend.

Head down. 

Restraint. 

I Didn't Have the Heart to Correct Him (with bonus haiku)

Look Daddy!
There are TWO baby worms
In this deep, deep hole
That you dug
With your sharp, sharp shovel!

BONUS HAIKU VERSION

Daddy!  There are two
Baby worms in this hole you
Dug with your shovel!

Creative Exercise

I am doing cleaning circles

Walk around the upstairs
Each room
Pick up, pick up, pick up
Go downstairs
Each room
Pick up, pick up, pick up
Back upstairs

I am calling this my exercise for today
3 sets of 15 reps

The Pout

She stands in the middle of the sidewalk,

Stopped for all to see.

Gather 'round.

I'm getting my pout on.

Her chin points at the horizon,

The bottom lip strained.

Birds circling overhead salivate at this juicy perch.

She sticks her arms out at her sides.

Her hands are pressed against her lower back,

Mick Jagger mid strut.

Her eyelids flutter partially sealed.

Half-closed because she wants to show

That she doesn't care what we think.

Half-open because she wants to see if we notice.  

Parenting Pro-Tip #43

If ever your daughter
Is having a stage 3 meltdown
Because she wants the shirt with

SHOULDERS!!

And it moves into Defcon 4
When you ask for clarification and only get

SHOULDER PADS!!!

And it's not 1986

She means short sleeves.

Sometimes it takes a mommy.

Trust

In a crowded park
My oldest kept running off
Without telling me where he was going
To the point that I could no longer see him.
Then he would run back to my side

I was getting upset with this.

I then realized that
He will be doing this same thing,
In different ways,
For many years to come.

I need to trust that he will keep coming back.

Picnic in Imaginationland

Well, hello!

I turn when I hear the little bare feet padding behind me
As I am putting breakfast dishes in the dishwasher.

Giraffe pajamas
Underneath an over-sized vest with a mod floral print
Holding Mommy's cast off mustard purse
Stuffed to bulging with toy food like a retiree at a plastic buffet
A trail of fabric strawberries
Hansel and Gretteling in her wake

Do you want to come to my picnic?
The animals will be there!

The Rules of Mother's Day

The only whine
On Mother's Day
Should be poured into
Mom's glass.

Sleeping

Dark.
The merciful, quiet dark of sleep.
Sweet, sweet sleep.

I hear some low shuffling
From the distant mountains.
It can't be the kids getting up,
Because I can tell from the quality of the light
Filtering through the one eye lid that is now half open,
It is clearly too early for that.

I sigh
Like the air is being wrung from me,
As I do the back to sleep
Turn-shuffle-squirm and
Pull the covers back up where they belong.

Now, where did you go
Sleep, my dear?
Oh, there.

Suddenly my hand is yanked
From its home - resting under its friend, pillow,
To a newer, more awkward position
Stretched straight out to my side,
Pinning me to the bed.

               Bandits!

Ninjas!                  Invaders!

             Huns!

here daddy you can have this monkey for you sleep
if you squeeze it tummy, it goes
OOH! OOH! AAH! AAH!

So begins another day.

Nervous

These can't be butterflies.
They must be ostriches
Suddenly gifted with the power of true flight,
Now having one hell of a row in my stomach.

My heart has left my chest.
Anxiously pounding so hard that it nears vibration.

I am sweating.

Wringing my hands.

Tapping my feet.

Asking for a raise?
Big presentation?
Proposing?

No.
My kid is up to bat.

Awake, Alert and ??

The time between
When swim practice ends
And the time we leave the building
Is subject to many independent variables.

a (number of kids) x b (number of active issues per kid) to the power of x (amount of sleep each kid has had) - y (how badly they want the treat that comes for getting ready quickly)

It can last minutes or verge on hours.

To facilitate getting the older ones ready,
I lay out the clothes their clothes on the
Wooden locker room bench.

Pants.
Shirts.
Socks.

As I set the clean underwear
On top of the stack,
I notice that the six year old has packed his
THURSDAY
Underwear.

I pause.
It can't be Thursday can it?
It's Wednesday, right?
No it's Tuesday, it's definitely Tuesday.
Tuesday?

Only a parent can have their temporal orientation shaken to its core by a pair of day-of-the-week underpants.

Locked Out

I am following my girls
Into the backyard after having spent
At least fifteen minutes
Corralling them toward the stroller
For a quick walk to the neighborhood store
Via a detour through the park for some time on the swings.

In that time they have prepared for the
Five minute trip
Like it is an antarctic expedition.
Water bottles - filled
Rations (cereal) - packed
Gear (sunglasses) - outfitted.

Wooooooooooomp
Slam!

As I pull the back door closed behind me
T  i  m  e   e  x  p  a  n  d  s
Then
Stops.

I still have my hand on the knob of the shut door
As I hear in my head,
The door is locked
Your keys are inside.

My heart skips.
As it begins to speed up, then race
So does time.
But now faster than normal,
Moving so fast I can only see single images.

Flash!
I see the girls in the stroller getting antsy
Flash!
I see the closed door
Flash!
I see my keys in my bag.

Take that brain!

I pop back into the house through the back door
(without needing to unlock it),
To grab my sunglasses,
And we are on our way.

Swingers

Come try this, Sissy!

She has been spinning around on the tire swing-
Round and round,
Smile getting wider with every rotation,
Hair swirling behind.

Her sister is intrigued.
She hops down from the play structure,
Abandoning her castle and its subjects
To join in the game.

With two the fun is
Amplified.
Smiles turn to giggles.
Giggles turn into waves of laughter
That cascade over me as I reach my hand
Into the swirling rainbow of color
To grab on to the chain link
And provide more thrust for their endeavor.

Just when it seems as though they will want to spin forever,
An abrupt "stop" is called for.
They dismount and walk two
Separate erratic lines.
Their balance left behind on the swing -
Now abandoned,
That continues to slowly rotate
As its former occupants wander off
Continuing their daily fight against
Gravity.

A Treatise on Global Climate Change

The scientist part of me
Believes that the global change in our climate
Is likely due to a marked increase in
Carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gasses
In our atmosphere
Coupled with massive deforestation.

The dad part of me
Believes that it is probably
Because you kids left the door open
While I had the heat on.

The Perfect Soccer Player

His shorts are too big.
His socks are too long.
His shin guards don't buckle.
His shirt is grass stained.
His ball is under-inflated.
His cleats are poorly tied.

He is excited.
He is happy.
He is ready to try.
He is ready to be part of a team.

And there will be a snack.

Not Cute

I know it won't be
Quite so cute
When they are turning
Twenty-free.

I don't think you can ask
"What did you said?"
In a college seminar
And still pass.

Their friends may
Postpone the picnic
If they offer to bring the binkit.

But part of me wishes
They would talk like
Toddlers forever.

I am Needed Here

I have a To-Do list
With nothing done.
There are dishes in the sink.
There is milk on the counter.
But this hand needs to be held.

I have laundry to do.
The floor needs to be swept.
Dinner hasn't been started.
She has a fever.

There is mail to sort.
The recycling needs emptied.
The compost bin is full.
Tomorrow's lunchboxes are still empty.
She just fell asleep.

There is nothing else
That is more important to me than this.
I will stay right here and hold this hand,
While she dreams of the things
She will do when she feels better.

Playground Science

The kids clamber over the playground
Like ants on a drop of melted ice cream on the sidewalk.
There must be intent at the heart of their activity,
But from without it looks like chaos.

The children form a nucleus
About which the parents flit in an electron cloud.
As uncertain as Heisenberg's principle if they will be needed
At any moment to swoop in and dust off
Knees caked with dirt and wood chips or
Kiss a boo boo on an elbow.

The at home mothers act as if they have known each other for years
Despite meeting just minutes before.
They engage vigorously in conversation about baby names and the unseasonable weather.
The at home fathers barely make eye contact with each other,
To socially embarrassed or deconditioned to even offer each other,
"Nice beard."

The Rules of the Game

Daddy?

I am on all fours
In the grass
Pulling out weeds.
No one likes this.

You are not Daddy anymore you are Papa, okay?

It seems as though
Over the winter
Someone came and sprinkled
Dandelion seeds all over my lawn.

And Sissy isn't sissy anymore, she is Memaw, okay?

They are some kind of
New mutant Dandelion
That is bigger and has a gnarled head
With twice the leaves.

And a bad guy and a bad lady came and stole my mommy and daddy, okay?

These roots
Are bigger around than carrots
And are at least six inches deep.

And tied them up and put them in a house, okay?

I should just spray this whole thing.
Keep all the kids off the lawn for a week,
So they don't get poisoned.

And my name is Lola and I am a princess, okay?  Daddy?

Yes, sweetie?

No, my name is not sweetie.  My name is Lola and I am a princess.

Okay.

The World is a Gift (or Does Dave Matthews like Blue Cheese?)

The world is a present
Just waiting to be opened.

It is filled with many new
Sights, sounds and smells
That even at three years old
Are still new and thrilling.

I was reminded of this today,
When my girls spent five minutes
Passing a blue cheese dressing bottle
Back and forth,
Like they were on the lawn at a Dave Matthews concert,
Sniffing it and exclaiming
YUM!

YUM!

Little Ninja

     He is trying to be quiet, bless his heart.  "Bless his heart," being the thing that people say when a child is trying hard to do something and failing miserably.  I am in the shower with the door closed and the vent fan, whose motor was clearly taken from a decommissioned WWII bomber, on.  Yet I hear him coming up the steps from the time his first little foot hits the bottom riser.  His footfalls are slower than normal, so I know he is making an effort to be quiet.  He pushes the door open softly, producing one long drawn-out loud creak instead of a brief one.  The curtain opens with a flourish.  "Boo!"  He attempts to whisper, but it is hard to suppress excitement when you are sneaking up on someone.
     "EEeek!"  I playfully feign surprise, but the crooked smirky smile on his face shows me that he knows I'm not fooled.  "Well, I could hear you coming from a mile away.  Hang on, I'm done here."  When you have four kids any ideas of privacy and the sanctity of bathroom time have flown well out the window and over the neighbors hedge.  The little ninja is now concentrating on adhering, then snapping off, the suction cups from the new shower curtain on to the shower wall tile.  It is an enviable pursuit, when I was his age I loved a non slip bath mat that my grandparents owned.  The sound of fifty or so little octopus feet snapping and slurping off of the shower bottom as I muscled it upward was so satisfying.
     His attention has wandered away from the shower curtain, now that I have gotten out of the shower and began my post-shower process of applying lotions and hair products.  We men become quite prissy in our old age, savoring the last bits of our youthful appearance   He reopens the bathroom door again slowly, again loudly.  On egress he again pauses on every little creak.  This time the intended stealth is directed at not waking his napping twin sisters.  As he tip toes out into the hallway close to the doors of the rooms where they slumber, I see that tip toeing may be something we need to review in our fine motor skills sessions.  His method of sneaking might be more accurately described as tip outsides-of-the-feeting.
     I then realize that I was not the primary target.  He has spotted his prey.  Boomer, his formally white, now more accurately described as off white, stuffed cat and constant companion, is relaxing in the hallway outside the door to his bedroom, having been placed thus not 10 minutes earlier by me in an attempt to "keep this place picked up."
     I move to my bedroom to throw on some clothes.  Privacy may have eroded with offspring, but we all still have a modicum of modesty.  He shuts off the bathroom fan.  His first ever attempt at conserving energy at odds with his attempt to not wake his sisters.  The din had been an effective blanket of sound to this point.  Then I hear the pounce.
     "Boomie, I got you!"  Full voice this time, no attempt made to conceal it.
     I close my eyes and brace for the wailing cry of being awoken too early from a nap.

Sick day

She normally floats across the room
In the mornings.
Spinning jumping dancing smiling.

Today
She trudges
Shuffling her feet.
Gravity has been increased.
The air has been replaced with jello.
She fights her way to me.
Snuffling whimpering.

The usual jump into my arms
Has been replaced with
A sigh that lasts for hours.
She folds in half,
Laying her head in my lap.

Daddy I'm sick.

I know, honey.
I know.

Memories

Perhaps just as there is no bad publicity,
There is no bad memory of your children.

Every time you had to wash the poop off your hands,
Or the spit up from your shirt,
Or the pee off the floor.

Every time they yelled,
Or you yelled,
Or everybody yelled until they cried.

Every time you had to go to the doctor,
Or the emergency room,
Or the hospital.

You were there together-
Sometimes holding hands,
Sometimes not.

That is the life lived.
The good and the bad are both important patches
On everybody's quilt

All warm and beautiful at the end of the day.

The Incident

Mom I need to tell you something

The hazel eyes shift far to the left and up

Like the prime suspect on a bad TV cop show

It may not be a lie that comes out next

But if it is the truth it has been carefully

Massaged

You see
I had to tell my sister a secret
It wasn't really a secret
It was like a joke
Not really a joke just something
I wanted to tell her
You know
Quietly

Umm Hmm

And

Well you see

I was chewing 

This

Gum.

AndIdidntmeantogetitinherhairbutitisinherhairImeanreallyinherhairanditwontcomeoutandIImeanWEneedyourhelpplease

A deep breath in.

An inside count to three

Mom steels herself 

And prepares for the extraction

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday to my little man!

Your laughing voice cheers me
Your embracing arms soothe me
Your little round belly invites me
To fill it up with vanilla ice cream.

Your busy hands challenge me.
Your giving heart heals me.
Your inventive head makes me yearn for
another story about another drawing.

Your joyful smile warms me.
Your twinkling eyes lift me.
Your dancing feet sweep me
Up in their rhythm.

Spring Cleaning

The twins are not identical.

One diligently and cheerfully helps
Her daddy pick up dry leaves from
Around the budding bushes and trees
And carefully place them
Into the yard waste bin.

The other climbs the leafless tree,
sings "Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer"
And intermittently but enthusiastically
Cheers her sister on, a safe distance from
The cleaning efforts.

Both of them are essential to the task.

Water Park Haiku

School aged boys, lazy
River equals chocolate milk
Powered bumper boats

Space Rain

Be careful when running errands
With a five year old.
You just might get asked a question like,

Are satellites waterproof?

Were we talking about satellites?
Were we talking about space?
Were we taking about waterproofing?
Or rain damage?
Or flooding?
Was there even a cloud in the sky?

No.

Fine then, genius, just answer the question.
Says the voice in the back of your head.

Well, pal, you know satellites have a lot of expensive
Computers and batteries on board so, of course-

Ahem-the voice interrupts

There is no rain in space.
There is no snow in space.
There is no air to rust things.
No water to flood things.
There is nothing in space.
Why would they need to be waterproof?

So, of course- ummmm
I don't really know if satellites are waterproof, bud.

That's okay.
Do you know what I like?
Steam shovels.

Milton Bradley was a Sadist

Chutes and Ladders
Are you sure?
Can't we just play Hi Ho Cherry-O?
Oh, okay. Just one game.
Go!

Four!
One, two-
No, put the piece down it's not your turn-
Three, four.

Five!
One-
No, keep going
That's not your slide-
Two, three, four, five.

Three!
Oh thank god!
You saved a cat!
Climb that ladder, girl!

Six!!
One, two-
No, now you're going the other way-
Three, four, five, six....
Oh, thin ice?!
Really?!

Two!
Pick your girl up.
No, she's not supposed to be dancing.
It's just two spaces.
Come on.
One-
You just want me to move it for you?
Okay.

Four!
What?
You want me to move your girl, too?
Sigh.

Ninety-eight.
Ninety-nine.
One hundred!!

What's that?
End the game by exact count only?
You're @&$$@@ kidding me!

Daddy Princess

I don't remember what life was like
Before I became a princess
But I do remember the day it happened

Princess-hood wasn't handed down
to me through the generations
I don't come from blue blood, ceremony and tradition

I did not marry in to royalty
My wedding was not a carefully orchestrated coup
With a kingdom in a distant land

It was magic
Magic possessed by a three year old
Bequeathing rule to me with an urgent incantation

Help me
Daddy Princess
Help me get the broom from the hook

I accepted the honor gratefully
And I will endeavor to rule all with
Kindness and grace and gratitude
The way only a Daddy Princess can

Oh wait
Now I am a tiger

Push and Jump

The picnic table is a boat
Or a diving board
Or a mountain top

One sister climbs up
Shuffles her toes to the edge
The other sister is behind her
A small stick in hand
She pushes as the other jumps
Down onto the grass
Both feet stick the landing
Then gravity takes over
she tumbles back onto her bottom
Smiling
She quickly stands up
Runs back around to the side of the table
And takes the stick from her sister
It is her turn to jump
Or be pushed

This repeats
And repeats
And repeats

When they come in
I ask the name of the game
They were playing
Pirates?
Swimming?
Super cliff diver?
Super heroes?

No

Push and jump

Rock Star

When I was young
I wanted to be a rock star
I would come off the stage
People would be shouting my name
Jumping up and down
Grabbing at my clothes
Waiting in line for hugs

Time passed and
That dream died out

Now I am a parent
When I come home from work
People are shouting my name
Jumping up and down
Grabbing at my clothes
Waiting in line for hugs
I am a rock star

Impressions

Sometimes
After a meal
He leaves an outline

A silhouette
Painted in cracker crumbs
And orange rinds

Unintentional in its creation
Beautiful in its way

I hate to clean it up
But I must

There will be no nothing new
To admire tomorrow
If I don't

The Rainforest

The shower is my refuge
It is the sanctuary of my people

The spray from the nozzle and
The drone from the bath fan
Create a sonic canopy
Protecting my rain forest from the harsh conditions of the outside world
The competing foreign interests aged 3-9 that conspire to clear cut this region
And flatten these lands.

The two curtains sealed tight against the tile walls
Sealing in the heat and humidity to let the endangered species thrive
Grow - independent thought
Blossom - ideas of the future
Thrive - creative plans

Then

The CLANG of the metal rings against the rod
Are a chainsaw

Hey daddy
Are you takin' a shower

Heavy

I know there will be a day
When you are too big
Or I am to old to carry you both
Down the stairs when you
Wake up so sad you just
Need to be held for awhile
I hope that day
Is not some day soon

Dante's Children

I am surprised
That no one has written
The Divine Comedy - Parents Edition

I am certain that

Carrying your toddler on your shoulder
To your car
In the parking lot of school
While she is screaming at the top of her lungs
Directly into your ear
Because someone threw away her last pretzel
Surrounded by most of the grown ups you know and like
The screaming intensifying with each buckle of the five point restraint
While being rained on

Would probably be near the top
Or is it bottom
It's been awhile since high school

Mutual Admiration Society

You're awesome
Said the older brother to the younger brother
You're awesome
Said the younger brother to the older brother

Can you please hand me that
Sure thing pal
Thanks little buddy

Am I dreaming
Have my children been secretly been replaced by alien shape shifters from planet Cares-a-lot
Are they on drugs
Am I

What could possibly
have created this complete sea change in the
attitudes and tenor of this house

Oh

New LEGO

Mornings

My bed is made of Velcro
Each morning the kids try to free me
With their little hands and
Their cries of
Daddy wake up
I wanna eat breakfast
But it seems the only thing
That can free me from
Those little hooks and loops
Is my wife's inquiry
Hon are you up

RRRRRRIIIIPPPPP

As I try to feign that
I've been up for ages

April showers

I used to like the spring rain
The gentle patter
Melting the snow
And watering the bulbs
Encouraging the daffodils and tulips
Come out it's time
Lets party

Today the rain is a warden
Barring the doors and windows
Keeping us from
Ball throwing
Bike riding
Skipping and jumping

Later it will pass
And there will be puddles to hop in
And mud to squlech in

But for now we make marks on the walls
Counting down the hours
Until it passes

Confessions

Sometimes
When I am
Face down on the floor
Arms and legs
Splayed out
A giant X
Being drawn and quartered
As I look under the couch for
A lost ball
A puzzle piece
A plastic zebra
I close my eyes
And take a tiny

nap

Piano Practice

Listening to my son
Play the piano
Is like a pointalist painting

My mind fills in the blanks
Between the missed notes
And imprecise rhythms

And creates a symphony

Pack Mule

On the way to the park
I held
One baseball
One ball glove
One bat

On the way back from the park
I held
Two baseballs
Two bats
Three ball gloves
One scooter
and
One hand

Swearing

Dear other parents,

I get it
Swearing is freaking awesome
When you hit your thumb with a hammer
Or drop a full container of cottage cheese on the floor
Or you are calking

But when you are chilling at the children's museum
Loudly chatting it up with your sleazy friend
Dropping 'em down at 5 MFPM
(mother fathers per minute)
So that every one large or small or very small
Can hear

It is just not cool.

Unless someone poops in the ball pit
Then it's justified

Fully justified

Danger

Sometimes
Being a parent
Is holding on to
The little ball
Of fire in your belly
That grows when you
Are watching your
Boys carry a green machine
Up an icy hill

You hold that fire

Even though if you
Yell outside
Get down from there
It's dangerous
The fire will go away

No one learns
That way
They will be okay

You are watching

I Worry for the Future

In the store I saw
A box labeled
Sugar Free Peeps

I expected the box to be empty

It wasn't

Spring Breaking

It's thirty two degrees outside
Snow and ice still on the ground clinging
To the last hours of life in this form
This afternoon it will be fifty five and
The snow and ice will be water again
Running down the drains and into the lake

Despite the cold
All of the kids are outside
Before eight AM

Coats  Boots  Gloves  Snowpants
on
Scooters Bikes Green Machine

The joy of outdoor playtime
Still a springtime novelty
Insulating them
As they climb on and through
The six foot pile of plowed snow
One last time

Inferno

The whining is a brush fire
The spark of a whine
Ignites in one child
Then spreads to another
And another
And another
Until it lights
A forest fire of anger
In the parent

A Simple Morning Request

Mom and I
Have taught you many things
To use a potty
To put beads on strings

To draw a face
To put on pants
To eat with a spoon
To chicken dance

All of these tricks
With plenty of time to burn
There is just one more skill
I would like you to learn

Could you please bring Daddy a cup of coffee?

Bad Choice

Please do not take my

laughing
photographing
texting mommy
facebooking

As an endorsement of this (smile - quick - stern face) behavior
This is a (tee hee) BAD CHOICE
Now take the sugar jar out of your mouth and help me clean this up

Punked

Why is it that on the morning
That I have to take both girls to an early morning doctors appointment
AND someone is coming to work on the house
AND the oldest forgot to shower
AND my wife needs to be at work early
AND it is crazy mixed up hair and clothes day at school
AND one of the girls is throwing a fit because she wants to eat her Krispies on the bench not in her chair

ANDANDANDNANDANDANDANDAND

Why is it on this morning

That the one who was not throwing a fit spilled so much yogurt that it was on the walls and the ceiling
AND I shatter not one but TWO glasses trying to get breakfast ready in the aftermath.

It's enough to make you think
If there is a god he must be Ashton Kutcher
And he thinks this s£@$ is
HILARIOUS

A Math Problem

I am folding laundry
My hands are cold
The laundry is warm
This is nice

I fold
5 large shirts
5 medium shirts
10 small shirts

I fold
5 large pants
5 medium pants
10 small pants

I fold
10 large socks
10 medium socks
20 small socks

I fold
5 pairs of large underwear
1 pair of medium underwear
10 pairs of small underwear

I Pause
I Ponder

Did they get left somewhere
Are they lying cold and alone on a playground
Were they never put on
Am I raising a covert commando
Is he taking the recycling thing to close to heart
Is he turning them over to use both sides

The Last Egg Hunt

This is the last year he can do
The egg hunt in our park
Next year he will be
Too old for this

Eh that's okay
He says

I can't tell if his lack of enthusiasm is genuine
Maybe he is
Too old for this

But

As they line up
Behind the caution tape
A glimmer
A spark
Behind the eyes
He starts rocking back and forth on his feet
As the announcer teases,
On your marks, get set

With Go
Were are now at full fledged
Ear-to-ear smile
As he races of into the snowy park
Beaming with each plastic treasure that he
Quickly stuffs
Into his rabbit shaped basket

After he has gathered his quota
He bounces back to where we wait for him
Still grinning

Shwew
He says
That was a lot of fun

He can't be too old for this

Ice Skating

She has jettisoned the
Stability Bucket

Her arms are rod straight
Out at the shoulder
Hands extended
Palms down
For perfect balance

She is taking

tiny

little

steps

taptaptaptaptaptap

As if the too much pressure from her
Small brown skates could crack the ice
At any moment

She has on the Giraffe hat
That was intended for her brother
She has claimed it as her own
It is so big that it covers most of her face
All you can see is one little green eye

And a huge, proud smile.

I Hate Rice Krispies

Snap
Crackle
Pop

We need to talk

When I was younger
We were friends
I enjoyed how you came together
With your pals marshmallow and butter to
Become awesome treats

Your cousin Fruity Pebbles and I
Were particularly tight

But now that I have kids
I fear our relationship needs to draw to a close

I do not like the way you cannot be contained
Spilling over everything despite the carefulness of the pourer

I do not like your industrial strength velcro stickiness
When combined with milk
You form the superest of glues
Sticking to faces
Countertops
Pajamas
Socks
Only to be found later in bedrooms
On walls
In books
Spreading your seeds far and wide like a virulent plant

I do not like your lack of flavor
Little bits of cardboard
You are a pre-sweetened cereal
Based on a simple carbohydrate
Yet you need tablespoons of sugar to be palatable

We are done

The noise WAS pretty cute, though

My Favorite Song

There is no music playing
but I am listening to
my favorite song

Two soprano voices calling
Tiny birds in spring

They are not in unison
(never unison)
but often in harmony
as the melody flits and skirts

Occasionally I will catch a random word
like watching a foreign film in a language
you took two semesters of in college

Mommy
Daddy
Doggy
Sissy

It is playtime

What Happens in the Cloakroom

I have his foot in my hands
I tend to get the best answers when tying or untying shoes

What is happening in the cloakroom?

It is the third time in as many weeks
that he has come home with
someone else's boots
someone else's snowpants
someone else's bag for boots and snowpants

It's just a long hallway!
We can't keep anything straight!

I look into his over sized brown eyes because
his earnestness is making me laugh
He thinks I'm doubting the voracity of his excuse

I AM BEING TRUE!

Some days I don't think he can be anything else

A Perfectly Good Sidewalk

There is a
perfectly good sidewalk
there

There is no snow
It has been shoveled
There is no ice
It has been salted
It is dry and flat and safe

But as he approaches
the nice dry safe sidewalk
He diverts
as if it is a river of molten lava
teaming with heat resistant (Teflon) piranha
strewn with thorny boy-eating plants

Into the
Wet Snow
and the
Dirty Mud

Heading straight into the
Clean Kitchen

St. Patrick's Day Errands

We took the kids to the hardware store
They found it an incredible bore
In the cart wouldn't sit
And threw quite a fit
Now we're not allowed in Lowe's anymore

Car Seats

If car seats were
Made by parents
They would not come in

Onyx Black
Navy Blue
Hunter Green

They would come in
Cheerio Crumb Beige
and
Goldfish Fingerprint Yellow-orange

Pile into Art

I know that when he is twenty
I will wish
That I had taken some sort of spray
Or varnish
To turn this pile into art

It is there
On the floor
Glowing in the sun on the wooden floor
Just so
Leaving an impression of him in this room like a footprint at the beach
One leg perfectly telescoped
So you can't even see the little penguins playing
The other leg is inside out
Trailing in his wake
Pointing the direction that he ran off
He went that way
To breakfast
To school
To life

But today

As I bend to pick them up
I sigh
Today it is not art
Today it is a mess

Sigh

One hundred books

Daddy I want to read books tomorrow

The room is dark

It is bedtime 

She is stalling

This is request 7 of 14

Daddy I want to read 100 books tomorrow

That is 8

I should have used

One of those techniques from the parenting books

Like

Wow one hundred is a lot of books, let's start with five

Or

I could have done the math

even the shortest board book takes two minutes we don't have one hundred board books so at least fifty will be longer books they will probably want me to read the rabbit is next that one alone is ten minutes

carry the two

That's at least three hours of reading

But 

I guess I'm not that kind of guy

Okay, honey tomorrow we can read one hundred books (why not)

Promise made

And 

Hours later

Sore voice

Late naptime

Late bedtime

Promise kept

Hard Choices

There is that sound
The awful THWONK of a head
hitting something
hard

And then immediately following
CRYING
it hurts it hurts it hurts
and
HUGE TEARS

daddydaddydaddy

I'm here
I'm here
I'll give you a hug
There, there

That's bett-
Where are you going?

Yeah, I just got off the treadmill

sorry

Would you like some water instead?

If a Tree Falls...(haiku)

If there are four kids
In your house how do you know
When the toilet's broke

Little Brother

From inside you
can feel the cold

The days-old snow
 is still bright white

The sun is shining
trying to do it's
wintertime best

He is in a T-shirt (T-shirt!)
royal Superman blue
Having been summoned urgently
for help

He leans against the
tree trunk
stretching his bare arms
up up up
lifting the prize

To the waiting hands
of another, bigger boy
in the highest branches
his stocking foot
leaning out in the open air
for balance

Thanks buddy!

The reward he gets
is all that he needs

Yoga

Your pink Dora sock covered (slightly stinky)
foot occluding my nose
and mouth
is not contributing to
my yoga Zen

I thought you should know

Dancing

Her knees are 90 degree angles
She is bent forward like a senior
One arm is a Z
The other an S
Bending side to side

       in

                         no


       discernible

                        rhythym

Hop
Hop
Hop

Pause (vogue)

HopHop

And then the secret weapon
Smiling ear to ear
Dimples so deep light doesn't reach the bottom

Joyfully dancing

Skiing

Oh crap
Oh crap
Oh crap

This is too fast too fast too fast

Turn
Turn
Turn
Turn

Snowplooooowwww

Stop

Is he okay? Turn around quickly.

Here he comes in his red coat.

Just like every time.

Proud.

Noise Noise Noise

The drumming upstairs
Sounds like the cannon fire of a distant war
But at least no one is crying

Panic

Wait-
    come here

You failed to put on
A pull up before bed last night?

Oh

Everything's dry

The Difference Between Kids and Parents or The Letter O

Oh good!  It's still snowing!

Oh god.  It's still snowing.

I Just Woke up a Dinosaur

Don't go in there!
She whisper-shouts
The ammamals are sleeping!

But it is MY bedroom
Where I keep MY stuff
Including MY clothes

Because I can't wear this towel to work.

Parental Guidance Suggested

Hey little buddy
A friendly piece of advice
When you use this hotel TP
You should fold it over at least twice

Light Grey

I really like that shade of grey

It is the color of Parisian fog
It is the color of the soft underbelly of a lop-eared bunny
It is the color of campfire smoke

It should not be the color for the rug in a house with four children

Incoming

You're coming to town!  That's great!
Do you want to crash on my couch?

The kids get up before 7

You might hear
loud singing
barking
screeching
crying

Sometimes there is pee on the bathroom floor.

Can I stay with you at the hotel?