The Rules of Mother's Day

The only whine
On Mother's Day
Should be poured into
Mom's glass.

A Treatise on Global Climate Change

The scientist part of me
Believes that the global change in our climate
Is likely due to a marked increase in
Carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gasses
In our atmosphere
Coupled with massive deforestation.

The dad part of me
Believes that it is probably
Because you kids left the door open
While I had the heat on.

Swearing

Dear other parents,

I get it
Swearing is freaking awesome
When you hit your thumb with a hammer
Or drop a full container of cottage cheese on the floor
Or you are calking

But when you are chilling at the children's museum
Loudly chatting it up with your sleazy friend
Dropping 'em down at 5 MFPM
(mother fathers per minute)
So that every one large or small or very small
Can hear

It is just not cool.

Unless someone poops in the ball pit
Then it's justified

Fully justified

A Simple Morning Request

Mom and I
Have taught you many things
To use a potty
To put beads on strings

To draw a face
To put on pants
To eat with a spoon
To chicken dance

All of these tricks
With plenty of time to burn
There is just one more skill
I would like you to learn

Could you please bring Daddy a cup of coffee?

Bad Choice

Please do not take my

laughing
photographing
texting mommy
facebooking

As an endorsement of this (smile - quick - stern face) behavior
This is a (tee hee) BAD CHOICE
Now take the sugar jar out of your mouth and help me clean this up

What Happens in the Cloakroom

I have his foot in my hands
I tend to get the best answers when tying or untying shoes

What is happening in the cloakroom?

It is the third time in as many weeks
that he has come home with
someone else's boots
someone else's snowpants
someone else's bag for boots and snowpants

It's just a long hallway!
We can't keep anything straight!

I look into his over sized brown eyes because
his earnestness is making me laugh
He thinks I'm doubting the voracity of his excuse

I AM BEING TRUE!

Some days I don't think he can be anything else

A Perfectly Good Sidewalk

There is a
perfectly good sidewalk
there

There is no snow
It has been shoveled
There is no ice
It has been salted
It is dry and flat and safe

But as he approaches
the nice dry safe sidewalk
He diverts
as if it is a river of molten lava
teaming with heat resistant (Teflon) piranha
strewn with thorny boy-eating plants

Into the
Wet Snow
and the
Dirty Mud

Heading straight into the
Clean Kitchen

St. Patrick's Day Errands

We took the kids to the hardware store
They found it an incredible bore
In the cart wouldn't sit
And threw quite a fit
Now we're not allowed in Lowe's anymore

Noise Noise Noise

The drumming upstairs
Sounds like the cannon fire of a distant war
But at least no one is crying

I Just Woke up a Dinosaur

Don't go in there!
She whisper-shouts
The ammamals are sleeping!

But it is MY bedroom
Where I keep MY stuff
Including MY clothes

Because I can't wear this towel to work.