Comics Week Day 3: The Wait

From our recent Six Flags adventure:

Web Comic Number 1! What?!@!

It's comics week here at PPOD!  Sometimes the muse is off on vacation or it's your birthday or whatnot, and there is no time for poetry, Dr. Jones.  There will be a few strips from different artists this week.  I am not sure if Bill Watterson is stopping by or not.  He hasn't gotten back to me.

This first one is mine, please forgive the lo-fi nature of the drawing.  I'm old, and I can only draw with a paper and pen.

What An Honor!

I am so excited!  The world famous English yogi, Sir Lord Reginald Nigel Charles Cumberbottom-Smythe, DDS, has chosen to record "Guided Meditation For Parents" for his new album, "Meditation for busy folk: From Transit Workers to the Labour Party!"

Have a listen:

Guided Meditation for Parents

Ding

Ding

Ding

And now to sit-

Your posture should have a sense of awakeness
A sense of "I didn't get up last night three times because the thunder made the baby cry and the toddler wet the bed"
A sense of dignity
A sense of "I am going to wear something other than these dirty sweatpants to the grocery store"
A sense of what is going on in your body right now
A sense of "where it hurts on your upper lip where you got headbutted by a toddler saying good night"
A sense of "the pain in your lower back because she is too old to be carried to bed, but she insists"

Open yourself up to the thoughts
Coming and going through your mind
"Was that thump someone falling out of bed or someone trying to break into the house"
"Is someone crying or is my partner watching a movie.   I used to watch movies.  I like movies.  I wish I could watch a movie. I remember that one that I really liked where Julia Roberts was a bank robber.."
Its okay for the mind to wander.
It is what our minds do.

Open yourself up to the feelings
That may be around.
Being open to them all.
Sadness.  Fatigue.  Regret.  Anger.  Hostility.  Jealousy.  Rage.
That's enough feelings.

Now lets focus on the breathing.
In and out.
Wherever you feel that breath moving,
Focus on that place.
If you feel it on the upper lip that you meant to shave or wax last week.
In the back of your mouth, that may smell like a rat's hide because you don't remember the last time you brushed your teeth.
In your chest, that used to be so proud and firm, but now sags with disappointment.

A deep breath in-
They were so cute when they were little
And a full breath out-
They will be going to college soon.

A full breath in-
Then we can do all of the travelling we wanted to do.
And all of the way out-
As if we can afford travel and tuition.

And now coming aware of the area around the body
And the space around the body that the body takes up
All of that space.
Aware of how much the couch is sagging.
Did we really need to have that spoonful of Nutella on the cookie last night?
Did it really make the crying seem less intense?
Aware of how you could be exercising instead of meditating
But it takes so much more energy.

If there are areas of the body where you are feeling pain
Like your cold dead heart
Allow the breath to open those areas of the body and be softened,
And warmed like when you were in your twenties.
Remember how much of a crap you gave about things that now seem so insignificant.

Allow the breath to carry you and your consciousness
Into your day.

Ding

Ding

Ding

(Thanks and apologies to Mark Williams - actually awesome meditation guru)

They Didn't Name it Minivan Chalk for a Reason

Finding sidewalk chalk on the back of your minivan is like....

      Seeing a couple in matching shirts at the state fair

            Smelling that someone passed gas in a crowded elevator

                 Having a round of drinks come to your table at 12:30

                     Finding poo in the swimming pool

It's clear that someone made a bad choice, you're just not sure who!

Pop Culture Parenting - Part 1

As a pop culture junkie and a parent, it is of little surprise to me that when I reach for a handy aphorism to teach my children a lesson, it is not Aesop, Ben Franklin or Confucius that I quote, but lines from popular TV and movies.  These are far ranging in both their scope and degree of appropriateness for the assembled audience.  I don't expect them to "get" the reference.  (Hey Dad, that's just like The Dude said in The Big Lebowski!)  This is just something I do sometimes to get through the day as a parent.  I have assembled a list of my most often used movie and TV quotes and I offer situations in which you too can offer some perfectly cromulent advice.

"Do or do not.  There is no try."
Yoda (Frank Oz),  "The Empire Strikes Back"

Every child has a natural unease at trying a new task, like riding a bicycle, roller skating, cliff diving.  This is likely some evolutionary protective measure to keep them from hurting themselves.  That's what they need parents for, a little kick out of the proverbial nest.  Like a boss, Yoda tells Luke to take 10 cc's of Vitamin Suck-it-up and just get the damn X-Wing out of the water.

Other acceptable quotes to use from this movie:  "(insert child's name here) I am your father."  Yes, I know nerds, in the movie he never actually says, "Luuuke, I am your father."  Let's pretend he did.

"Coffee is for closers."
Blake (Alec Baldwin),  "Glengarry Glen Ross"

Alec Baldwin's character in the movie, based on a play, is a trying to be a Dale Carnegie level motivator and increase sales in the small real estate office.  He tells his subordinates, "coffee is for closers."  If you can't make the sale, you can't enjoy the fruits of the labor.  In my house, dessert and seconds are for "closers."  If you don't finish your meal, you don't get treats.  Some days, instead having to deal with the nutritional dissonance of saying, "If you want a cookie, you have to finish your pizza," the cookies become "for closers."

Oh, and the video, like the movie, is sooooo NSFW, or around kids, so only play the clip if you're comfortable with some swears.

Other acceptable quotes to use from this movie: "A.B.C.  Always be closing." or eating, or practicing.

"Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place."
John Bender (Judd Nelson), "The Breakfast Club"

Kids toys break.  ALL THE TIME.  Especially the crap they get at birthday parties that is imported from some Chinese mail order catalog.  That junk survives less than a day at my house.  I say prepare them for the general hardship of the world.  If you have stuff, your stuff will break.  When the kids cry about that, I drop this truth bomb.

Other acceptable quotes from this movie:  "That's what you get for spilling paint in the garage at my house.  Do.  I.  Stutter?"  Now, don't get the idea that I'm rolling up my sleeve here and showing my kids some horrific scar from my childhood or implying that the same will happen to them.  There are just some times, when the listening isn't quite happening as you would like, that you need a little emphasis without going into full on yell.  Usually this is along the lines of "Stop stepping on your sister's head.  Do.  I.  Stutter?"

Still other acceptable quotes from this movie:  "Don't mess with the bull, young man.  You'll get the horns."  Then you can make little horn fingers over your head and look both crazy and menacing at the same time, a goal I think all of us parents have.

Stay tuned for part two!

Slippin', Slidin'

Using a "Slip And Slide" seems like an easy concept to grasp,

Step 1 - run

Step 2 - dive

Step 3 - slide

Step 4 - laugh maniacally with glee

Repeat.

The three year old instructions seem to be:

Step 1 - run onto the mat

Step 2 - come to a full and complete stop

Step 3 - fall on your bottom

Step 4 - slowly scoot to the end of the mat

Step 5 - laugh maniacally with glee

Repeat.

At least the end result is the same.