Spring Breaking

It's thirty two degrees outside
Snow and ice still on the ground clinging
To the last hours of life in this form
This afternoon it will be fifty five and
The snow and ice will be water again
Running down the drains and into the lake

Despite the cold
All of the kids are outside
Before eight AM

Coats  Boots  Gloves  Snowpants
on
Scooters Bikes Green Machine

The joy of outdoor playtime
Still a springtime novelty
Insulating them
As they climb on and through
The six foot pile of plowed snow
One last time

Inferno

The whining is a brush fire
The spark of a whine
Ignites in one child
Then spreads to another
And another
And another
Until it lights
A forest fire of anger
In the parent

A Simple Morning Request

Mom and I
Have taught you many things
To use a potty
To put beads on strings

To draw a face
To put on pants
To eat with a spoon
To chicken dance

All of these tricks
With plenty of time to burn
There is just one more skill
I would like you to learn

Could you please bring Daddy a cup of coffee?

Bad Choice

Please do not take my

laughing
photographing
texting mommy
facebooking

As an endorsement of this (smile - quick - stern face) behavior
This is a (tee hee) BAD CHOICE
Now take the sugar jar out of your mouth and help me clean this up

Punked

Why is it that on the morning
That I have to take both girls to an early morning doctors appointment
AND someone is coming to work on the house
AND the oldest forgot to shower
AND my wife needs to be at work early
AND it is crazy mixed up hair and clothes day at school
AND one of the girls is throwing a fit because she wants to eat her Krispies on the bench not in her chair

ANDANDANDNANDANDANDANDAND

Why is it on this morning

That the one who was not throwing a fit spilled so much yogurt that it was on the walls and the ceiling
AND I shatter not one but TWO glasses trying to get breakfast ready in the aftermath.

It's enough to make you think
If there is a god he must be Ashton Kutcher
And he thinks this s£@$ is
HILARIOUS

A Math Problem

I am folding laundry
My hands are cold
The laundry is warm
This is nice

I fold
5 large shirts
5 medium shirts
10 small shirts

I fold
5 large pants
5 medium pants
10 small pants

I fold
10 large socks
10 medium socks
20 small socks

I fold
5 pairs of large underwear
1 pair of medium underwear
10 pairs of small underwear

I Pause
I Ponder

Did they get left somewhere
Are they lying cold and alone on a playground
Were they never put on
Am I raising a covert commando
Is he taking the recycling thing to close to heart
Is he turning them over to use both sides

The Last Egg Hunt

This is the last year he can do
The egg hunt in our park
Next year he will be
Too old for this

Eh that's okay
He says

I can't tell if his lack of enthusiasm is genuine
Maybe he is
Too old for this

But

As they line up
Behind the caution tape
A glimmer
A spark
Behind the eyes
He starts rocking back and forth on his feet
As the announcer teases,
On your marks, get set

With Go
Were are now at full fledged
Ear-to-ear smile
As he races of into the snowy park
Beaming with each plastic treasure that he
Quickly stuffs
Into his rabbit shaped basket

After he has gathered his quota
He bounces back to where we wait for him
Still grinning

Shwew
He says
That was a lot of fun

He can't be too old for this

Ice Skating

She has jettisoned the
Stability Bucket

Her arms are rod straight
Out at the shoulder
Hands extended
Palms down
For perfect balance

She is taking

tiny

little

steps

taptaptaptaptaptap

As if the too much pressure from her
Small brown skates could crack the ice
At any moment

She has on the Giraffe hat
That was intended for her brother
She has claimed it as her own
It is so big that it covers most of her face
All you can see is one little green eye

And a huge, proud smile.

I Hate Rice Krispies

Snap
Crackle
Pop

We need to talk

When I was younger
We were friends
I enjoyed how you came together
With your pals marshmallow and butter to
Become awesome treats

Your cousin Fruity Pebbles and I
Were particularly tight

But now that I have kids
I fear our relationship needs to draw to a close

I do not like the way you cannot be contained
Spilling over everything despite the carefulness of the pourer

I do not like your industrial strength velcro stickiness
When combined with milk
You form the superest of glues
Sticking to faces
Countertops
Pajamas
Socks
Only to be found later in bedrooms
On walls
In books
Spreading your seeds far and wide like a virulent plant

I do not like your lack of flavor
Little bits of cardboard
You are a pre-sweetened cereal
Based on a simple carbohydrate
Yet you need tablespoons of sugar to be palatable

We are done

The noise WAS pretty cute, though

My Favorite Song

There is no music playing
but I am listening to
my favorite song

Two soprano voices calling
Tiny birds in spring

They are not in unison
(never unison)
but often in harmony
as the melody flits and skirts

Occasionally I will catch a random word
like watching a foreign film in a language
you took two semesters of in college

Mommy
Daddy
Doggy
Sissy

It is playtime

What Happens in the Cloakroom

I have his foot in my hands
I tend to get the best answers when tying or untying shoes

What is happening in the cloakroom?

It is the third time in as many weeks
that he has come home with
someone else's boots
someone else's snowpants
someone else's bag for boots and snowpants

It's just a long hallway!
We can't keep anything straight!

I look into his over sized brown eyes because
his earnestness is making me laugh
He thinks I'm doubting the voracity of his excuse

I AM BEING TRUE!

Some days I don't think he can be anything else

A Perfectly Good Sidewalk

There is a
perfectly good sidewalk
there

There is no snow
It has been shoveled
There is no ice
It has been salted
It is dry and flat and safe

But as he approaches
the nice dry safe sidewalk
He diverts
as if it is a river of molten lava
teaming with heat resistant (Teflon) piranha
strewn with thorny boy-eating plants

Into the
Wet Snow
and the
Dirty Mud

Heading straight into the
Clean Kitchen

St. Patrick's Day Errands

We took the kids to the hardware store
They found it an incredible bore
In the cart wouldn't sit
And threw quite a fit
Now we're not allowed in Lowe's anymore

Car Seats

If car seats were
Made by parents
They would not come in

Onyx Black
Navy Blue
Hunter Green

They would come in
Cheerio Crumb Beige
and
Goldfish Fingerprint Yellow-orange

Pile into Art

I know that when he is twenty
I will wish
That I had taken some sort of spray
Or varnish
To turn this pile into art

It is there
On the floor
Glowing in the sun on the wooden floor
Just so
Leaving an impression of him in this room like a footprint at the beach
One leg perfectly telescoped
So you can't even see the little penguins playing
The other leg is inside out
Trailing in his wake
Pointing the direction that he ran off
He went that way
To breakfast
To school
To life

But today

As I bend to pick them up
I sigh
Today it is not art
Today it is a mess

Sigh

One hundred books

Daddy I want to read books tomorrow

The room is dark

It is bedtime 

She is stalling

This is request 7 of 14

Daddy I want to read 100 books tomorrow

That is 8

I should have used

One of those techniques from the parenting books

Like

Wow one hundred is a lot of books, let's start with five

Or

I could have done the math

even the shortest board book takes two minutes we don't have one hundred board books so at least fifty will be longer books they will probably want me to read the rabbit is next that one alone is ten minutes

carry the two

That's at least three hours of reading

But 

I guess I'm not that kind of guy

Okay, honey tomorrow we can read one hundred books (why not)

Promise made

And 

Hours later

Sore voice

Late naptime

Late bedtime

Promise kept

Hard Choices

There is that sound
The awful THWONK of a head
hitting something
hard

And then immediately following
CRYING
it hurts it hurts it hurts
and
HUGE TEARS

daddydaddydaddy

I'm here
I'm here
I'll give you a hug
There, there

That's bett-
Where are you going?

Yeah, I just got off the treadmill

sorry

Would you like some water instead?

If a Tree Falls...(haiku)

If there are four kids
In your house how do you know
When the toilet's broke

Little Brother

From inside you
can feel the cold

The days-old snow
 is still bright white

The sun is shining
trying to do it's
wintertime best

He is in a T-shirt (T-shirt!)
royal Superman blue
Having been summoned urgently
for help

He leans against the
tree trunk
stretching his bare arms
up up up
lifting the prize

To the waiting hands
of another, bigger boy
in the highest branches
his stocking foot
leaning out in the open air
for balance

Thanks buddy!

The reward he gets
is all that he needs

Yoga

Your pink Dora sock covered (slightly stinky)
foot occluding my nose
and mouth
is not contributing to
my yoga Zen

I thought you should know

Dancing

Her knees are 90 degree angles
She is bent forward like a senior
One arm is a Z
The other an S
Bending side to side

       in

                         no


       discernible

                        rhythym

Hop
Hop
Hop

Pause (vogue)

HopHop

And then the secret weapon
Smiling ear to ear
Dimples so deep light doesn't reach the bottom

Joyfully dancing

Skiing

Oh crap
Oh crap
Oh crap

This is too fast too fast too fast

Turn
Turn
Turn
Turn

Snowplooooowwww

Stop

Is he okay? Turn around quickly.

Here he comes in his red coat.

Just like every time.

Proud.

Noise Noise Noise

The drumming upstairs
Sounds like the cannon fire of a distant war
But at least no one is crying

Panic

Wait-
    come here

You failed to put on
A pull up before bed last night?

Oh

Everything's dry

The Difference Between Kids and Parents or The Letter O

Oh good!  It's still snowing!

Oh god.  It's still snowing.

I Just Woke up a Dinosaur

Don't go in there!
She whisper-shouts
The ammamals are sleeping!

But it is MY bedroom
Where I keep MY stuff
Including MY clothes

Because I can't wear this towel to work.

Parental Guidance Suggested

Hey little buddy
A friendly piece of advice
When you use this hotel TP
You should fold it over at least twice

Light Grey

I really like that shade of grey

It is the color of Parisian fog
It is the color of the soft underbelly of a lop-eared bunny
It is the color of campfire smoke

It should not be the color for the rug in a house with four children

Incoming

You're coming to town!  That's great!
Do you want to crash on my couch?

The kids get up before 7

You might hear
loud singing
barking
screeching
crying

Sometimes there is pee on the bathroom floor.

Can I stay with you at the hotel?