What Happens in the Mine....

Dad!  I painted two new paintings and a sign with my name on it and hung it up in my room!

Great

Dad! Yesterday my cousin got stuck in the bottom of a deep hole and he lost some string he was carrying!

Ohhkayyy......

Dad!  I made a house out of sticks and filled it with dynamite and then when a zombie came along I lit a fuse and blew the whole thing up!

Hang On!

I think we need a new rule

Would you
Ever so kindly
Raise your left hand
When a story you are telling me happened
In the real world

And raise your right hand

When a story you are telling me happened

In Minecraft  

I may not see much of the left hand for awhile

The Incident

Mom I need to tell you something

The hazel eyes shift far to the left and up

Like the prime suspect on a bad TV cop show

It may not be a lie that comes out next

But if it is the truth it has been carefully

Massaged

You see
I had to tell my sister a secret
It wasn't really a secret
It was like a joke
Not really a joke just something
I wanted to tell her
You know
Quietly

Umm Hmm

And

Well you see

I was chewing 

This

Gum.

AndIdidntmeantogetitinherhairbutitisinherhairImeanreallyinherhairanditwontcomeoutandIImeanWEneedyourhelpplease

A deep breath in.

An inside count to three

Mom steels herself 

And prepares for the extraction

Dante's Children

I am surprised
That no one has written
The Divine Comedy - Parents Edition

I am certain that

Carrying your toddler on your shoulder
To your car
In the parking lot of school
While she is screaming at the top of her lungs
Directly into your ear
Because someone threw away her last pretzel
Surrounded by most of the grown ups you know and like
The screaming intensifying with each buckle of the five point restraint
While being rained on

Would probably be near the top
Or is it bottom
It's been awhile since high school

Swearing

Dear other parents,

I get it
Swearing is freaking awesome
When you hit your thumb with a hammer
Or drop a full container of cottage cheese on the floor
Or you are calking

But when you are chilling at the children's museum
Loudly chatting it up with your sleazy friend
Dropping 'em down at 5 MFPM
(mother fathers per minute)
So that every one large or small or very small
Can hear

It is just not cool.

Unless someone poops in the ball pit
Then it's justified

Fully justified

Inferno

The whining is a brush fire
The spark of a whine
Ignites in one child
Then spreads to another
And another
And another
Until it lights
A forest fire of anger
In the parent

What Happens in the Cloakroom

I have his foot in my hands
I tend to get the best answers when tying or untying shoes

What is happening in the cloakroom?

It is the third time in as many weeks
that he has come home with
someone else's boots
someone else's snowpants
someone else's bag for boots and snowpants

It's just a long hallway!
We can't keep anything straight!

I look into his over sized brown eyes because
his earnestness is making me laugh
He thinks I'm doubting the voracity of his excuse

I AM BEING TRUE!

Some days I don't think he can be anything else