The Name Game

I can trace its origins.


I know that your cousin has a cat

That is named after a popular candy

With a plural sounding name.


I am sure that this is a tribute

To little "Snickers" who lives

In the barn.


But it makes me laugh,

When you two are pretending to be

A pet owner and a kitty cat


And all I hear,

Suckers!  Get over here!

C'mon, Suckers!

Suuuuccckkkkerrrsss!

Measuring

"Daddy, I need to borrow the measurer."

I take the yellow and black
Stanley Measuring Tape
And place it firmly in her open palm
A perfect impression of a scrub nurse
It lands with a pat

She crosses the room
With a shuffling run
Quietly sidling next to the
Patient cat

She coordinates her small hands
One feeding the metal tape out
The other keeping it from retreating
Into the tools' plastic snail shell

Slowly Slowly Slowly
The concentration required
Forces her tongue out of her mouth

Finally she exclaims,

"Seventeen Pounds!"

The Chauffeur

Go to swim.
Home from swim.

Go to soccer.
Home from soccer.

Go to piano.
Home from piano.

Go to school.
Home from school.

Have I been demoted
From Dad to Chauffeur?

Does the Chauffeur's heart
Break a little when he drops
The Rock Star off at the five-star hotel?

Does the Chauffeur jump for joy
When the businessman comes out of baggage claim?

I may be putting more miles on the Minivan,
But I am still more Dad than Chauffeur.

Too Much Wedding

Music Throbbing
Lights Flashing
People
   Dancing
     Eating
       Drinking
         Singing
Toddler on her Daddy's lap
Sleeping

Crust Wars

I don't want to eat my crust.

Tough, I say.

It's a grilled cheese sandwich.

I'ts practically all crust.

The cheese layer is just there to stick more crust on.

To not eat the crust is to rob yourself of part of the experience.

I'll eat your crust,

The other one pipes in,

Grabbing the black carby worm from her sister's hand,

And popping it into her mouth.

Yum-a!

Hey,

She was going to eat that!

You have robbed your sister of some character development!

This was a teachable moment!

Maybe I'll eat my crust next time.
Maybe.

Put down your phone

Daddy put down your phone.
This is George!
He is an invisible turtle riding guy!
He landed on the color red!
Daddy put down your phone.

Daddy put down your phone.
Did you see the race car in the museum?
It looked soooo fast.
Do you think it can still race?
Daddy put down your phone.

Daddy put down your phone.
Do you want to toe clap?
It is where you clap your toes together like hands.
It is like a toe high five!
Daddy put down your phone.

Daddy put down your phone.
I am six.
I will only be six for one year.
The internet will still be there
When I go to school,
Or when I am in bed at night.
Daddy put down your phone.

Dear My Boss

Dear my boss,
Please accept my sincere apologies
Regarding my late arrival at work today.

You see,
The dolly had only one shoe and it was the white shoe not the blue shoe and this is the dolly that has the white shoes!

And then,
The shirt was the blue shirt with the bird, not the blue shirt with the flowers and that doesn't go with the pink shorts with the stripes!

This was complicated by,
Not enough of milk in the cereal, no I need milk in my bowl not milk in my glass!

I will endeavor to address these issues in the future,
And avoid any further tardiness.

Sincerely,
Employee dad