Go to swim.
Home from swim.
Go to soccer.
Home from soccer.
Go to piano.
Home from piano.
Go to school.
Home from school.
Have I been demoted
From Dad to Chauffeur?
Does the Chauffeur's heart
Break a little when he drops
The Rock Star off at the five-star hotel?
Does the Chauffeur jump for joy
When the businessman comes out of baggage claim?
I may be putting more miles on the Minivan,
But I am still more Dad than Chauffeur.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
Too Much Wedding
Music Throbbing
Lights Flashing
People
Dancing
Eating
Drinking
Singing
Toddler on her Daddy's lap
Sleeping
Lights Flashing
People
Dancing
Eating
Drinking
Singing
Toddler on her Daddy's lap
Sleeping
Friday, September 13, 2013
Crust Wars
I don't want to eat my crust.
Maybe I'll eat my crust next time.
Maybe.
Tough, I say.
It's a grilled cheese sandwich.
I'ts practically all crust.
The cheese layer is just there to stick more crust on.
To not eat the crust is to rob yourself of part of the experience.
I'll eat your crust,
The other one pipes in,
Grabbing the black carby worm from her sister's hand,
And popping it into her mouth.
Yum-a!
Hey,
She was going to eat that!
You have robbed your sister of some character development!
This was a teachable moment!
Maybe I'll eat my crust next time.
Maybe.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Put down your phone
Daddy put down your phone.
This is George!
He is an invisible turtle riding guy!
He landed on the color red!
Daddy put down your phone.
Daddy put down your phone.
Did you see the race car in the museum?
It looked soooo fast.
Do you think it can still race?
Daddy put down your phone.
Daddy put down your phone.
Do you want to toe clap?
It is where you clap your toes together like hands.
It is like a toe high five!
Daddy put down your phone.
Daddy put down your phone.
I am six.
I will only be six for one year.
The internet will still be there
When I go to school,
Or when I am in bed at night.
Daddy put down your phone.
This is George!
He is an invisible turtle riding guy!
He landed on the color red!
Daddy put down your phone.
Daddy put down your phone.
Did you see the race car in the museum?
It looked soooo fast.
Do you think it can still race?
Daddy put down your phone.
Daddy put down your phone.
Do you want to toe clap?
It is where you clap your toes together like hands.
It is like a toe high five!
Daddy put down your phone.
Daddy put down your phone.
I am six.
I will only be six for one year.
The internet will still be there
When I go to school,
Or when I am in bed at night.
Daddy put down your phone.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Dear My Boss
Dear my boss,
Please accept my sincere apologies
Regarding my late arrival at work today.
You see,
The dolly had only one shoe and it was the white shoe not the blue shoe and this is the dolly that has the white shoes!
And then,
The shirt was the blue shirt with the bird, not the blue shirt with the flowers and that doesn't go with the pink shorts with the stripes!
This was complicated by,
Not enough of milk in the cereal, no I need milk in my bowl not milk in my glass!
I will endeavor to address these issues in the future,
And avoid any further tardiness.
Sincerely,
Employee dad
Please accept my sincere apologies
Regarding my late arrival at work today.
You see,
The dolly had only one shoe and it was the white shoe not the blue shoe and this is the dolly that has the white shoes!
And then,
The shirt was the blue shirt with the bird, not the blue shirt with the flowers and that doesn't go with the pink shorts with the stripes!
This was complicated by,
Not enough of milk in the cereal, no I need milk in my bowl not milk in my glass!
I will endeavor to address these issues in the future,
And avoid any further tardiness.
Sincerely,
Employee dad
Monday, August 19, 2013
They Didn't Name it Minivan Chalk for a Reason
Finding sidewalk chalk on the back of your minivan is like....
Seeing a couple in matching shirts at the state fair
Smelling that someone passed gas in a crowded elevator
Having a round of drinks come to your table at 12:30
Finding poo in the swimming pool
It's clear that someone made a bad choice, you're just not sure who!
Seeing a couple in matching shirts at the state fair
Smelling that someone passed gas in a crowded elevator
Having a round of drinks come to your table at 12:30
Finding poo in the swimming pool
It's clear that someone made a bad choice, you're just not sure who!
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Pop Culture Parenting - Part 1
As a pop culture junkie and a parent, it is of little surprise to me that when I reach for a handy aphorism to teach my children a lesson, it is not Aesop, Ben Franklin or Confucius that I quote, but lines from popular TV and movies. These are far ranging in both their scope and degree of appropriateness for the assembled audience. I don't expect them to "get" the reference. (Hey Dad, that's just like The Dude said in The Big Lebowski!) This is just something I do sometimes to get through the day as a parent. I have assembled a list of my most often used movie and TV quotes and I offer situations in which you too can offer some perfectly cromulent advice.
"Do or do not. There is no try."
Yoda (Frank Oz), "The Empire Strikes Back"
Every child has a natural unease at trying a new task, like riding a bicycle, roller skating, cliff diving. This is likely some evolutionary protective measure to keep them from hurting themselves. That's what they need parents for, a little kick out of the proverbial nest. Like a boss, Yoda tells Luke to take 10 cc's of Vitamin Suck-it-up and just get the damn X-Wing out of the water.
Other acceptable quotes to use from this movie: "(insert child's name here) I am your father." Yes, I know nerds, in the movie he never actually says, "Luuuke, I am your father." Let's pretend he did.
"Coffee is for closers."
Blake (Alec Baldwin), "Glengarry Glen Ross"
Alec Baldwin's character in the movie, based on a play, is a trying to be a Dale Carnegie level motivator and increase sales in the small real estate office. He tells his subordinates, "coffee is for closers." If you can't make the sale, you can't enjoy the fruits of the labor. In my house, dessert and seconds are for "closers." If you don't finish your meal, you don't get treats. Some days, instead having to deal with the nutritional dissonance of saying, "If you want a cookie, you have to finish your pizza," the cookies become "for closers."
Oh, and the video, like the movie, is sooooo NSFW, or around kids, so only play the clip if you're comfortable with some swears.
Other acceptable quotes to use from this movie: "A.B.C. Always be closing." or eating, or practicing.
"Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place."
John Bender (Judd Nelson), "The Breakfast Club"
Kids toys break. ALL THE TIME. Especially the crap they get at birthday parties that is imported from some Chinese mail order catalog. That junk survives less than a day at my house. I say prepare them for the general hardship of the world. If you have stuff, your stuff will break. When the kids cry about that, I drop this truth bomb.
Other acceptable quotes from this movie: "That's what you get for spilling paint in the garage at my house. Do. I. Stutter?" Now, don't get the idea that I'm rolling up my sleeve here and showing my kids some horrific scar from my childhood or implying that the same will happen to them. There are just some times, when the listening isn't quite happening as you would like, that you need a little emphasis without going into full on yell. Usually this is along the lines of "Stop stepping on your sister's head. Do. I. Stutter?"
Still other acceptable quotes from this movie: "Don't mess with the bull, young man. You'll get the horns." Then you can make little horn fingers over your head and look both crazy and menacing at the same time, a goal I think all of us parents have.
Stay tuned for part two!
"Do or do not. There is no try."
Yoda (Frank Oz), "The Empire Strikes Back"
Every child has a natural unease at trying a new task, like riding a bicycle, roller skating, cliff diving. This is likely some evolutionary protective measure to keep them from hurting themselves. That's what they need parents for, a little kick out of the proverbial nest. Like a boss, Yoda tells Luke to take 10 cc's of Vitamin Suck-it-up and just get the damn X-Wing out of the water.
Other acceptable quotes to use from this movie: "(insert child's name here) I am your father." Yes, I know nerds, in the movie he never actually says, "Luuuke, I am your father." Let's pretend he did.
"Coffee is for closers."
Blake (Alec Baldwin), "Glengarry Glen Ross"
Alec Baldwin's character in the movie, based on a play, is a trying to be a Dale Carnegie level motivator and increase sales in the small real estate office. He tells his subordinates, "coffee is for closers." If you can't make the sale, you can't enjoy the fruits of the labor. In my house, dessert and seconds are for "closers." If you don't finish your meal, you don't get treats. Some days, instead having to deal with the nutritional dissonance of saying, "If you want a cookie, you have to finish your pizza," the cookies become "for closers."
Oh, and the video, like the movie, is sooooo NSFW, or around kids, so only play the clip if you're comfortable with some swears.
Other acceptable quotes to use from this movie: "A.B.C. Always be closing." or eating, or practicing.
"Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place."
John Bender (Judd Nelson), "The Breakfast Club"
Kids toys break. ALL THE TIME. Especially the crap they get at birthday parties that is imported from some Chinese mail order catalog. That junk survives less than a day at my house. I say prepare them for the general hardship of the world. If you have stuff, your stuff will break. When the kids cry about that, I drop this truth bomb.
Other acceptable quotes from this movie: "That's what you get for spilling paint in the garage at my house. Do. I. Stutter?" Now, don't get the idea that I'm rolling up my sleeve here and showing my kids some horrific scar from my childhood or implying that the same will happen to them. There are just some times, when the listening isn't quite happening as you would like, that you need a little emphasis without going into full on yell. Usually this is along the lines of "Stop stepping on your sister's head. Do. I. Stutter?"
Still other acceptable quotes from this movie: "Don't mess with the bull, young man. You'll get the horns." Then you can make little horn fingers over your head and look both crazy and menacing at the same time, a goal I think all of us parents have.
Stay tuned for part two!
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